Old and New Jokes

Somewhere in America, next week…

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: Whats up, Dad?

Dad: Theres a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I dont believe, if I understand the definition of scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasnt there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as Ive said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again Ill ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did I scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didnt drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, thats not my statement. Ill refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car? Son: No. No, thats not correct. Your question was Did I scratch the car?. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of No when you asked Did I scratch the car was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.

Heard today from an author promoting his book on a radio talk show:

Theres a curious but predictable result when these two people meet.
One of them has a lot of money and the other has a lot of experience.
After not too much time, the one with the experience has a lot of
money and the one who had the money has a lot of experience.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wont let her. As
Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on
two conditions.

First, you must wear a diaphragm.

Cinderella agrees. Whats the second condition?

You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin.

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesnt show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck and very satisfied.

Where have you been? demands the fairy godmother, Your diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!

I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.

I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?

I cant remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.


At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup.


George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldnt eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The


aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he doesnt, at least, taste it.


Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheeps eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth.


He hesitated, then swallowed. A big grin appeared on his face. He


discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl.


That was delicious! Bush said to Sharon. Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me?!

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a

walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

What is heat? Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on

car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a

walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. What is heat

Dad?

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and

brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it

in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the

street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says

where is missy?

Angela said missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down

the street.

A man goes to his doctor and says. Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.

The man says You have a deal Doc.

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says What happened?

The man answered Nobody Showed UP!

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard! Suddenly, the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, Im very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

Polands worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Billy the rabbit was a scientific experimental rabbit, They kept him loecked up in a cage 24 hours a day with no room to run jump and play.

He was totally pissed off by this. One day, however, Billy discovered how to unhook the cage latch and open the door! Woah! He could escape – be free! He kept silent, then when night came, made his move. Opening the cage he leapt out and run for dear life out into freedom. He ran until he came to his old patch – all his friends were there still.

Whey hey! Its Billy they all cheered as the fed him gourmet lettuce and water. You shall have the best we can provide they all said.

Billy was happy that they remembered him and helped himself to the lions share of the best food they could find.

His friends also gave him the pick of the chicks that night, Here, Billy – chose whichever you want – however many you want!

Billy chose Roberta and Hannah, he chose wisely – they were the best looking rabbits in the warren. They were at it all night, non-stop!

Billy was indeed a happy bunny. But morning came and he had to say goodbye to his old friends.

Youre going? they questioned. Where to?

Oh, Ive got to get back to the labs replied Billy.

Back to the labs? But you escaped from there – youre free!

Yeah, guys, the food, water and chicks are nice said Billy Its all so nice, but I really must get back to the labs – Im gasping for a cigarette!