Old and New Jokes

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?

A:> A MegasaurASS

The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.

First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.

With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.

The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.

The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.

The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.

The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.

The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.

Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.

The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?

The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.

The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!

The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!

Q: Why cannibals dont eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

How can you tell if a man is a WASP?

He gets out of the shower to pee.

In the blood stream!

Somewhere in America, next week…

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: Whats up, Dad?

Dad: Theres a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I dont believe, if I understand the definition of scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasnt there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as Ive said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again Ill ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did I scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didnt drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, thats not my statement. Ill refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car? Son: No. No, thats not correct. Your question was Did I scratch the car?. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of No when you asked Did I scratch the car was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.

Heard today from an author promoting his book on a radio talk show:

Theres a curious but predictable result when these two people meet.
One of them has a lot of money and the other has a lot of experience.
After not too much time, the one with the experience has a lot of
money and the one who had the money has a lot of experience.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wont let her. As
Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on
two conditions.

First, you must wear a diaphragm.

Cinderella agrees. Whats the second condition?

You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin.

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesnt show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck and very satisfied.

Where have you been? demands the fairy godmother, Your diaphragm was supposed
to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!

I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.

I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?

I cant remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.


At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup.


George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldnt eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The


aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he doesnt, at least, taste it.


Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheeps eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth.


He hesitated, then swallowed. A big grin appeared on his face. He


discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl.


That was delicious! Bush said to Sharon. Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me?!

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.