BECOME A BETTER LIAR

ITS EASY!

Just follow these 12 steps.

First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

Try to cry while youre lying. Everyone believes someone whos crying.

Always swear to god (not God with a capital G … youll be punished severely!) Little g god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

Emphasize each word (e.g. I … SWEAR … TO … gOD!!!!)

Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

Always say: Ask so-and-so. Theyll back me up on this. Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether youre lying or not.

Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, youll stutter.

Never stutter!

Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.

Dont take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, dont say you own Don Quixotes original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Floridas repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealedweapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentencefor those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violentcareer criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. Themans public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the mans injury ispunishment enough.HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE? A luckless thief pleadedguilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Thethief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked himto go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took thedollar, went inside the store… and called the police.OOPS! OF THE WEEK A thief in Myrtle Beach,South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if youre going to steal restaurantequipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owners grandchildren before settingthe stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovannis Pizzeria inCalabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant –where cops found pictures of Ubbings grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. Theowner of the second restaurant was arrested.I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA! During a high schoolbreak-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classroomsand amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When theycouldnt figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasnt loadedand left it behind. The men apparently didnt realize theyd been fooling around with adigital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded thesnapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Thesuspects were quickly arrested.I THOUGHT THISD BE THE LAST PLACE THEYDLOOK…! A Nevada fugitive wanted onfraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for ajob… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the mans fugitive statusduring a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility testsbefore being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise ofgetting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.AND FINALLY… Admitting his 0-4 record isnot impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dogfor the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his firstowner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an expresstrain, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner wont be told of Luckys record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do somethingsilly."

Monday morning in biology class and the professor was asking questions about the weekends reading assignment. Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its normal size when excited or stimulated?

He called on Stelle, an attractive coed who promptly blushed, saying, I refuse to answer that question on account that I am a _lady_.

The professor then called on the class valedictorian who said, That part of the body is the eye, maam.

The professor then said, Stelle, I can tell two things by your answer. One, you didnt read your assignment. And two, youre going to be sorely disappointed on your wedding night!

– from Playboys jokes 1963

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news. Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment is at hand, and our faith in His existence is justified. After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, He was calling from Salt Lake City.

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Dont ever code a=b, rather do something
like:

AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast, think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they dont need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they dont
need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a
pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If
they can understand you, they dont need you.

Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was
easy and anyone can do it and they dont need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever
but dont answer the question. If they get their questions answered
they dont need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When
someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

I cant because Ive almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP
client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP
sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP
packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.

Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address
someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use
the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out
from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt
whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.
Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your
mystique.

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the
magazine — Aviation Disaster Weekly.

14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual
Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

12> Your leftovers dont have an expiration date… they have
a half-life.

11> When no ones looking, the dog sneaks your food to his
heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling
for *chicken* eggs.

8> First day in the kitchen, your job was toast the bread.
Then you were downgraded to cut the bread. Now its
simply stop your bleeding.

7> You still cant figure out what the hell a tiblisp is.

6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe
as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con
stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors
discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking
gray hair.

2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and
proceeds to beat you with it.

You might live in a redneck town

if the Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "Godand me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I getup in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee,and then (poof!) the light goes off when Im done." "Wow," commentedDr. Smith, "thats incredible!" A little later in the dayDr. Smith called Georges wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of hisrelationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) thelight goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed,"That old fool! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.

Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Ive been stung by a bee! What shall I do?

Where were you stung?

Between the first and second hole!

Beverly, we need to work on your stance…

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.

Why do you want a glass of cider? asked her mom.

I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!

Confused, but weary of the childs whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesnt work! she whined.

What are you talking about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent, What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?

Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she cant wait to get it in cider.