Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do rednecks dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars…

The following jokes are from No Laughing Matter by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5, 1989 issue of Newsweek (review
by George F. Will).

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, No one needs
meat today.

Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
Agreed, says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. Done, says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. Impossible, says Gorbachev. But why?
asks Deng. Because, says Gorbachev, the Poles dont make bicycles.

Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, The difference between the Soviet
Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class,
whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class. Zhou replies,
True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his
class.

Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb.

Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Bubbas party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – Female Disco dancer.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker – Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bubbas favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtraks Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.

Q: What does a dyslexic Jew say?

A: Yo!

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him Head and Shoulders and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, How do you give shoulders?

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, thats what he called her, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, Dear Husband, thats what she called him, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Heres an easy game to play.
Heres an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!
You cant say this?
What a shame sir!
Well find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…



MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.



SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a degree, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.



TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.



ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel…



ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.



HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!



MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ TEAM LEADS: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.



SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager.



CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.



CONSULTANT: 666.

It was during the cold war. The fate of the Western world hung in the balance. A secret agent had to find a spy named Epstein in New York and give him a secret code.


So, the agent entered the lobby of the apartment building on the lower east side of Manhattan where he lived and browsed the directory. He noticed there were 2 Epsteins listed; one on the 1st floor, the other on the 2nd.


He knocks on the door of the Epstein on the first floor. When Epstein opens the door, the agent tells him, The sky above, the mud below.


Mr. Epstein replies, Oh! You want Epstein the spy. Second floor.

One…they can screw anything.