28
Nov

The 23rd Channel

The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.

It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;

It leadeth me away from faith;

It destroys my soul;

It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,

there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;

Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.

It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.

It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism;

my coveting runneth over.

Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house,

just watching TV all the time.

28
Nov

B.C. Lied

Hillary Clinton died one day and went to heaven and there were thousands of clocks. She asked why there were so many clocks? The angel that was standing there told her that each clock represents a person, when a person lies it ticks one second. She asked to see her husbands. The angel studerd for a second and then gave some huge ear muffs to her with a earpiece. The angel showed Hillary to a huge room on the wall was mounted a digital clock that was ticking like hell. She looked around and saw MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of insane angels mumbling Tick, tick tick, tock, tock tock.. and MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of broken clocks. The angel sighed and said we had to go to digital

28
Nov

Go for Gold

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

Theyre in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly, Why dont you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!.

28
Nov

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

28
Nov

What do you call a dog who poops a lot?

My Little Carob Machine

28
Nov

Top Ten changes Bill Gates wants at CNN before investing heavily in Turner Broad

Top Ten changes Bill Gates wants at CNN before investing heavily in Turner Broadcasting:

When covering plane crashes, reporters must point out that the planes cockpit was NOT equipped with Windows 95, and had it been, it might not have crashed (although they should omit that it probably couldnt have gotten off the ground in the first place).
Headline News must include a new section – Microsoft Upgrades Available This Week.
Ads for IBM must be followed by ads for Kaopectate.
Ads for Microsoft must be followed with ads for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.
All graphs showing the economy improving should be done using Microsoft Excel.
All graphs showing the economy worsening should be done with Lotus 1-2-3.
New voice-over This… is CNN, version 1.5, release F.
Stories about anti-trust suits against Microsoft must include the words vendetta, meritless, and witch hunt.
All weather maps have to have a big Microsoft logo next to Seattle.
A five-year publicity buildup for the new carpet.

28
Nov

A short horror story

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wifes car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?

Yes, was his incredulous reply.

She answered, Well, today I didnt do it.

28
Nov

You might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if…
The best way to keep things cold is to leaveem in the shade.

28
Nov

Why do they call it hyper text?

To much JAVA

28
Nov

A Redneck Joke

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women… You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sisters honor… You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because youre in the same grade… You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding… You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain… You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says Say No to Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up… You might be a Redneck.