Old and New Jokes

Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable
to humans?

(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past
six months?

(3) Which one is your mouth?

Galen.

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if youre thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.

640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.

Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.

Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.

Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.

Buffer: The only other job – involving a chamois at the car wash – for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.

Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think youre
getting real value for your money.

CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities
of valuable information too slowly to use.

Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat
software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk
drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).

CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based
on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward
conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with todays
modern versions of DOS.

Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to
keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most
people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software
as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.

Downward compatibility: You really didnt have to spend the money for the
upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.

End User: One born every minute.

Entry level: Only slightly above most users heads.

Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.

Expansion slot: The computer didnt come with everything you needed.

Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.

FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal
Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza
place around the corner.

Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.

Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have
put it, He who steals my trash better have a large purse.

Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and
thereby trash the users existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and
CONFIG.SYS files

Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user thats
every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease
of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.

Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting
information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being
adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full
Employment Act.

Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery
life.

Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of
separate files at the same time.

Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official.
(Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:
Well have to get back to you on that.)

Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk
to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.

NiCad battery: A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three
solid hours of work, then dies before youre ready to save any of it to disk.

Open system: Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you
crash, each vendor can blame the others.

Optional: It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department
ran 1-2-3 and figured theyd double their profits this way.

Parity: A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise
perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.

Partition: A wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that
makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.

Point-and-shoot: You mean youd rather click on a menu choice than have to
type things like DEVICE=DOSUTSDRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /F:1 ?

Power Surge: What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own
database.

Power user: Someone whos read the manual all the way through once.

Productivity: Printing out 30 different versions of your document before
getting the spacing correct.

Real-time clock: A 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.

SAA: Silly And Awkward.

Shell: A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get
anything done instead of typing a simple three-character command.

Shock-mounted: Make sure youre sitting down when you ask the price.

Spreadsheet: Sophisticated software that can be used as a database,
rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.

Stack: The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software
manuals.

Standard: Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.

Support: Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any
user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the
product.

Throughput: What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen
after you see the message General Failure Error Reading Drive C:.

Toll-free hotline: An AT&T busy-signal test number.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers; invented by the
Association of American Dry Cleaners.

Torture test: Everyone – from the FedEx guy to the clerk who opened the box to
the trainee who executed the speed test – accidentally dropped it.

Tutorial: A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last
obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall
fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.

Unix, year of: See Calendar, perpetual.

Value-added: A lot more expensive.

Virus: Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external
force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.

Workstation: Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.

XT: All the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical
spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text
a whole tenth of a second faster.

Dont go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Dont Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and shell last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy…by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but shes certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding… Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Heres a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But well be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club – We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: Youll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says For the woman I love and the second, For my best friend.

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Heres a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Heres to you and heres to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, heres to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

If you dont want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, dont stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, its curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if hes married.

Its always fun to ask at the reception, What times the grand opening? Or after the honeymoon, Glad to see you back on your feet.

Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Its sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but dont tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

One morning, President Reagan woke up to a beautiful snowy noon. He
looked out of his window upon the snow-covered White House lawn and
marveled at its beauty. Then he noticed something. Yellow lines in
the snow. On further investigation, our President realized that the
lines spelled out Reagan Sucks in urine. Furious, he called the
Washington, DC police and demanded to know who had inscribed these
blasphemous words on his lawn. After a lengthy investigation, the
police found no clues.

Later that afternoon, after a brief snowfall, the president awoke
again to find the same words once more decorating the new-fallen
snow. This time, President Ron called the FBI and ordered them to
find out who was responsible. The FBI too mounted a massive
investigation, but were only able to determine that no intruder had
access to the White House lawn and therefore the perpetrator had to
be someone on his own staff.

When the next day, the same insults were discovered on a new blanket
of snow, Old Ron decided to leave no stone unturned. He asked the
entire US military to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. By
dinnertime, the Secretary of Defense had some bad news for Mr.
Reagan.

Im afraid, he said, that the urine sample come from none other
than the Secretary of State, George Schultz.

This is terrible, said the president.

Im afraid I have more bad news, said the secretary.

What could be worse, said Reagan, than finding out that George,
the only member of my administration not to be involved in a
scandal, is involved in this conspiracy?

Well, you see Mr. President, it was written in Nancys handwriting.

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the brides insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

Mother, Mother! cried the girl, He says that we should sleep together!

Its alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

Oh, said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

Its alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, dont let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

Stand back, girl! says the mother, This is a job for a real woman!

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time Ive had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge!” the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge!” The Australian said, “Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge!” so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a cheese sandwich!” so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a vegemite sandwich!” so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, “I don’t understand, he makes his own lunch!”.

Because its the only way they can drive with handcuffs on.

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue, announced one.

Not to be outdone, the second remarked, My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.

The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, And you, dear, do you have a son?

And is he a professional? demanded the second.

Well, not exactly, answered the third. Actually, hes a plumber. And notonly that, hes gay.

Beaming, one of the poor womans interrogators offered consolation: Ah, hes not doing so well.

This time it was the third woman who smiled. Hes not doing too badly, she explained.

He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other and said, Lets relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market or any kind of business at all.

Good idea Sam. Lets talk about women.

OK – common or preferred?