Old and New Jokes

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short
skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Id like some raisin bread, please,
the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the
very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male
customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb
up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the
top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng. Is yours raisin too? the clerk yells testily.
No, croaks the feeble old man, But its startin to twitch.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what

does that mean?

Her chain is to long!

A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met
individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The
American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I
encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that
crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the
Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of
puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the
gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he
decided the Parthenon–the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and
Henry–was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them–
while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He
cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or
Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a
saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them.

Allan Fotheringham,
in Capitol Offences: Dr. Foth meets Uncle Sam

Whats black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

You might be a redneck if…
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

…doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. Why arent we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A. Hose A and Hose B

A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, It was either him or me. It was a good thing it was the tiger, Bob, said an acquaintance. You wouldve made a lousy rug.

With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …

93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.

I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking
soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing
a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water
douche.