Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?

A: A mental block.

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See Auburn Alumni.

Usage: Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!

RANCH – noun. A tool.

Usage: I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR – noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

YALL — noun. A degree of rotation.

Usage: There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Yall.

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime.

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adverb. Not easy.

Usage: A broken hot is hod to fix.

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

(Todays Southern Word comes from a school teacher in Americas southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class study of the War of Northern Aggression (known to Yankees at the Civil War), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their rats. The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats … in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.

Usage: I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.

FARN – adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.

DID – adjective. Not alive.

Usage: Hes did, Jim.

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: He cant breathe … give em some ear!

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.

JU-HERE – a question.

Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

HAZE – a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.

Usage: Kin I heavy dew me a favor?

WARSH – verb. To clean.

SQUARSH – noun. A vegetable (also verb – to flatten).

Usage: Warsh that squarsh, Bubba … you dont know where its been!

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson

24. THE ENGINEERS GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore

18. AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

17. AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMANS BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one Worlds Shortest book:……

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didnt work.

However, the doctor suggested, If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didnt see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says, Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant. Thats good news, said the doctor. I knew the boarder would help.

Oh, said the old man with a wicked grin, and the boarders pregnant as well.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and have at it. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is
repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are
done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
dives under the bed, … and finds four Chinese men.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another!

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go WOOF.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A couple are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary.

The husband calls his son in a distant city and tells him that they are getting a divorce.

Don’t do that! shouts the son. Do nothing until I get there.

The son then calls his sister in yet another city. She calls her father.

Don’t get a divorce! she cries. Do nothing until I get there.

The old father hangs up and says to mother, Well, they didn’t come for Pesach and they didn’t come for Rosh Hashana, but I got them to come for our 50th anniversary.