You might be a redneck if…
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
28
Nov
28
Nov
…doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. Why arent we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.
28
Nov
Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A. Hose A and Hose B
28
Nov
A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, It was either him or me. It was a good thing it was the tiger, Bob, said an acquaintance. You wouldve made a lousy rug.
28
Nov
With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …
93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.
28
Nov
Q: How do you keep a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head!
28
Nov
I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking
soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing
a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water
douche.
28
Nov
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He cant believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!? the guy in the Corvette asks.
The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!
28
Nov
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Lets do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey…
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past…
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldnt say for sure.
Harold: My eyes arent too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldnt say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!
28
Nov
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.