A hunter was boring his guests with tales of his safari. Pointing to a tiger rug, he related, It was either him or me. It was a good thing it was the tiger, Bob, said an acquaintance. You wouldve made a lousy rug.
28
Nov
28
Nov
With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …
93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.
28
Nov
I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking
soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing
a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water
douche.
28
Nov
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He cant believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!? the guy in the Corvette asks.
The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!
28
Nov
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Lets do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey…
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past…
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldnt say for sure.
Harold: My eyes arent too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldnt say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!
28
Nov
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
28
Nov
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.
Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.
JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.
IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See Auburn Alumni.
Usage: Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!
RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
YALL — noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Yall.
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime.
HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: A broken hot is hod to fix.
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.
TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.
(Todays Southern Word comes from a school teacher in Americas southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class study of the War of Northern Aggression (known to Yankees at the Civil War), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their rats. The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats … in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)
LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.
DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: Hes did, Jim.
EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: He cant breathe … give em some ear!
BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.
SEED – verb, past tense.
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?
HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: Kin I heavy dew me a favor?
WARSH – verb. To clean.
SQUARSH – noun. A vegetable (also verb – to flatten).
Usage: Warsh that squarsh, Bubba … you dont know where its been!
28
Nov
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
24. THE ENGINEERS GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMANS BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one Worlds Shortest book:……
1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton
28
Nov
There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didnt work.
However, the doctor suggested, If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.
The old man agreed.
The old man didnt see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.
The old man says, Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant. Thats good news, said the doctor. I knew the boarder would help.
Oh, said the old man with a wicked grin, and the boarders pregnant as well.
28
Nov
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and have at it. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is
repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are
done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
dives under the bed, … and finds four Chinese men.