Old and New Jokes

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson

24. THE ENGINEERS GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore

18. AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

17. AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMANS BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one Worlds Shortest book:……

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didnt work.

However, the doctor suggested, If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didnt see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says, Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant. Thats good news, said the doctor. I knew the boarder would help.

Oh, said the old man with a wicked grin, and the boarders pregnant as well.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and have at it. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is
repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are
done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
dives under the bed, … and finds four Chinese men.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another!

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go WOOF.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A couple are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary.

The husband calls his son in a distant city and tells him that they are getting a divorce.

Don’t do that! shouts the son. Do nothing until I get there.

The son then calls his sister in yet another city. She calls her father.

Don’t get a divorce! she cries. Do nothing until I get there.

The old father hangs up and says to mother, Well, they didn’t come for Pesach and they didn’t come for Rosh Hashana, but I got them to come for our 50th anniversary.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make themscream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you? Not too


good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.

The son says, Why are you so weak? She says, Because I havent


eaten in 38 days. The man says, Thats terrible! Why havent you eaten


in 38 days?

The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with


food if you should call.