Heard from a friend…

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, WHAT IS EASTER?

The man replies, Oh, thats easy, its the holiday in November when everybody
gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…

WRONG, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, WHAT IS EASTER?

The second man replies, No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, WHAT IS EASTER?

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter.

In his book, Stay of Execution, the late Stewart Alsop, columnist, tells of this embarrassing moment:

I was in London, on a reporting trip for Joes and my column. I had an introduction to Lord Salisbury and interviewed him – he was a powerful figure in those days – and he asked me for the week-end to his country seat, Hatfield House.

I paid off the taxi and timidly rang a doorbell. To my surprise Lady Salisbury, a gray-haired lady with a strong ancestral face, answered the bell. With her was an enormous hound, which looked at me in a marked unfriendly fashion and growled.

Lady Salisbury saw that I was nervous. Dont worry, she said. Bobo never bites a gentleman, only the lower classes.

At that point Bobo lunged forward and planted his teeth in my right calf.

He Said…She Said:

He said… I dont know why you wear a bra; youve got nothing to put in it.

She said…You wear briefs, dont you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… This coffee isnt fit for a pig!

She said…No problem, Ill get you some that is.

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… Its not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, Ive wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… I dont think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She said…Whos gonna look?

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Lets go out and have some fun tonight.

She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, How much?

Hooker replies, It starts at $500 for a hand-job.

Guy says, $500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!

The hooker says, Do you see that Dennys on the corner?

Yes.

Do you see the Dennys about a block further down?

Yes.

And beyond that, do you see that third Dennys?

Yes.

Well, says the hooker, smiling invitingly, I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job thats worth $500.

Guy says, What the hell? Ill give it a try.

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, I suppose a blow job is $1,000?

The hooker replies, $1,500.

$1,500? No blow job could be worth that.

The hooker replies, Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job thats worth every cent of $1,500.

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, Sign me up.

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can t believe it but he feels he truly got his moneys worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, How much for some pussy?

The hooker says, Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?

Damn! the guy says, in awe, You own the whole city?

No, the hooker replies, but I would if I had a pussy!

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide,
What are those drums? The guide turned to him and said, Drums OK, but
VERY BAD when they stop.

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

The Drums have stopped, What happens now?

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

Bass Solo

Never buy a new brand of beer because it was on sale.
If were in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesnt mean were not watching it.
Dont tell anyone we cant afford a new car. Tell them we dont want one.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Dont feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: Were just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isnt trying to be brave, hes just not crying. Big difference.
When the waiter asks if everythings okay, a simple Yes will do.
What do you mean, leering? Shes obstructing my view.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
You probably dont want to know what were thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled.
Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
No, you cant have the remote control.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaohs daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

She told me, a women complained to a friend, that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.

Well, replied her friend in a hurt tone, I told her not to tell you I told her.

Oh dear! sighed the first women. Well, dont tell her I told you that she told me.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore?

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnnys dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.

Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked…

So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied, I think I got a fuckin dog but I cant find the son of a bitch.