Theres a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.



At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.



Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybodys amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! Why dont you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask.



Naah. If you guys wont drink beer, than neither will I.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?

The young man replies A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

Thats a lot of money says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside? Sure, replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says Thats a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4? the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groans and replies Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Doctor Moshe Rabinowicz and his wife Rachel are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, and you are not any good in bed either as he storms out of the house.


After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls Rachel and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated Moshe says what took you so long to answer the phone?


She says, I was in bed.


In bed this late in the day, doing what?


I was getting a second opinion she replied.

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? Theyre both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didnt tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

Why is it only

on Passover night

we never know how

to do anything right?

We dont eat our meals

in the regular ways,

the ways that we do

on all other days.

Cause on all other nights

we may eat

all kinds of wonderful

good bready treats,

like big purple pizza

that tastes like a pickle,

crumbly crackers

and pink pumpernickel,

sassafras sandwich

and tiger on rye,

fifty falafels in pita,

fresh-fried,

with peanut-butter

and tangerine sauce

spread onto each side

up-and-down, then across,

and toasted whole-wheat bread

with liver and ducks,

and crumpets and dumplings,

and bagels and lox,

and doughnuts with one hole

and doughnuts with four,

and cake with six layers

and windows and doors.

Yes–

on all other nights

we eat all kinds of bread,

but tonight of all nights

we munch matzah instead.

And on all other nights

we devour

vegetables, green things,

and bushes and flowers,

lettuce thats leafy

and candy-striped spinach,

fresh silly celery

(Have more when youre finished!)

cabbage thats flown

from the jungles of Glome

by a polka-dot bird

who cant find his way home,

daisies and roses

and inside-out grass

and artichoke hearts

that are simply first class!

Sixty asparagus tips

served in glasses

with anchovy sauce

and some sticky molasses–

But on Passover night

you would never consider

eating an herb

that wasnt all bitter.

And on all other nights

you would probably flip

if anyone asked you

how often you dip.

On some days I only dip

one Bup-Bup egg

in a teaspoon of vinegar

mixed with nutmeg,

but sometimes we take

more than ten thousand tails

of the Yakkity-birds

that are hunted in Wales,

and dip them in vats

full of Mumbegum juice.

Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.

Or we dont dip at all!

We dont ask your advice.

So why on this night

do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights

we can sit as we please,

on our heads, on our elbows,

our backs or our knees,

or hang by our toes

from the tail of a Glump,

or on top of a camel

with one or two humps,

with our foot on the table,

our nose on the floor,

with one ear in the window

and one out the door,doing somersaults

over the greasy knishes

or dancing a jig

without breaking the dishes.

Yes–

on all other nights

you sit nicely when dining–

So why on this night

must it all be reclining?

A student comes to a young professors office. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
I mean… she whispers, I would do… anything.

He returns her gaze. Anything?

Anything.

His voice softens. Anything?

Anything.

His voice turns to a whisper. Would you… study?

15. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of
Historic Places.

14. Instead of an airbag, theres a whoopie cushion
taped to your steering wheel.

13. Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.

12. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old
on a moped.

11. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

10. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to
take The Club.

9. When you gas up, the attendant asks Can I re-duct-
tape that windshield for you?

8. While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking
if anyone was hurt.

7. You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin
help desk.

6. For the last five years, youve had to settle for
making vroom vroom noises while sitting in the
driveway.

5. Keep losing dates on left turns.

4. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

3. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name
when discussing morning tie-ups.

2. Hasnt been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.

1. Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.

I dont know, she replied. I cant read.