A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

Yes, were fine. Were living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied, I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? Theyre choking the shit out of my ducks!

One year at Halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party.
All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce
what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

As the next couple arrived he announced Tarzan and Jane.

…and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but
apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

Who do you think you are? demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that
the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department,
the doorman asked, How shall I announce you?

The man said, Im premature ejaculation.

Im very sorry sir said the doorman in obvious shock, I cannot announce
anything like that to such a gathering.

O.K. said the professor. Just say I came in my pants.

You know youre a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Patient to the doctor, Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cannot
remember anything!

The doctor replies, So, since when did you have this problem?

What problem?

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.4. Two words: Chicken suit.5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.8. Stop at the green lights.9. Go at the red ones.10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.11. Eat food that requires silverware.12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.13. Sing without having the radio on.14. Honk frequently without motivation.15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.19. Restart your car at every stop light.20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.23. Paint your car with occult symbols.24. Keep at least five cats in the car.25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.27. Stop and collect road kill.28. Stop and pray to road kill.29. Throw Spam.30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured hed give the tryout a go. The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park. Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at shortstop, and fired the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy. The dazed manager said, Great! Now lets see you run. The horse said, Are you kidding? If I could run, Id be at Churchill Downs.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED



No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, dont let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You cant trust dogs to watch your food.

Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandmas lap.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED



Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles dont hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air

out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Todays mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps.

Its like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.

You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while youre down there.

Taken from this mornings Metro (7th June, London, UK):

A friendly greeting caused a major airport security alert when a man called Hi, Jack to a colleague on board an aircraft.

A SWAT team and dozens of police reinforcements were called to the Oakland International Airport near Detroit in the US.

Lt. Rick Crigger said, There was a guy on the plane named Jack, and someone walked in and said, Hi Jack. The mike just happened to be open and the tower heard it.

Thinking someone was hijacking the corporate jet, the FBI as well as police were called to prepare for a hostage situation. Air traffic controllers ordered the plane to return to the tower but, after a quick check on the identity of the pilot, the jet was cleared for take off.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!