You might be a redneck if…
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
16
Jul
16
Jul
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
his past. Come on, tell me, she asks again, how many women have you
slept with? Honey, he says, if I told you, youd just get angry.
No. I promise I wont, she begs. Well, if you insist. Lets see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven…
16
Jul
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu and then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order?
12. When asked if they can take your order say Why, can I take yours?
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it.
17. Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
16
Jul
Youd better watch out,
Youd better not cry,
Youd better not pout;
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
Hes bugging your room,
Hes reading your mail,
Hes keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesnt get the goods,
Then hell use provocateurs.
So – you mustnt assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
Hell kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
16
Jul
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.
The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
Scroll down for the answer.
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Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!
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The product being advertised is…
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SEVEN UP!
16
Jul
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?The farmer replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize. How? asks the man, puzzled.Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!
16
Jul
You get this one, next round is on me.
(We wont be here long enough to get another round.)
Ill get this one, next one is on you.
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.)
Hey, where is that friend of yours?
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)
(Im easy.)
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)
(Im gay.)
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?)
I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)
(Im horny.)
Whos got the next round?
(I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
Excuse Me. (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
Excuse Me. (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)
Excuse Me. (female to male)
(Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
Excuse Me. (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
What do you have on tap?
(Whats cheap?)
Can I have a white Russian? (male)
(Im *really* gay.)
Can I have a white Russian? (female)
(Im *really* easy.)
That person looks really familiar.
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
Can I just get a glass of water? (female)
(Im annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
I dont have my ID on me. (female)
(Im 19.)
I dont have my ID on me. (male)
(I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
16
Jul
Their last big hit was the wall!
15
Jul
Bill Clintons 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
15
Jul
Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three… Mummy! can I use my toes?