Old and New Jokes

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.



When leaving the room she said, Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?



He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.



He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary who was quite witty said, Why no Mr. Smith.

All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, Im going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies, Thats crazy, you dont know nothing about no lion taming.



Yes I do!



Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?



Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.



Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?



Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.



Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?



Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.



Well, what if that gun doesnt work? What will you do then?



Well, then I pick up some of the shit thats on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.



Well, what if there aint no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?



Well, thats dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun dont work, theres going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

Q: How do you prick a Bobby?



A: With a Bobby Pin!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

Astrology Laws: Its always the wrong time of the month. – Rozanne Weissman

How many quadriplegics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dont know, but youve got to admit that it would probably be fun to watch…

I found this on a gopher, hence do not know the authors name.

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.

The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government… Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Annes War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didnt have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

Thats a lovely car, said the mechanic. What seems to be the matter? Well, it just conked out Im afraid.

Let me have look. He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

Thank goodness, she said. What was the matter? Simple really, just crap in the carburetor, he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, Oh, OK… How many times a week do I have to do that?

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, Id advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogs Frosted Flakes back in the box.