Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Un excéntrico millonario compra una momia egipcia en un millón y medio de dólares, y decide certificar su autenticidad. Para eso, la manda al Museo de Egiptología de Texas. Allí, tras algunas pericias infructuosas, se declaran incompetentes y le recomiendan que la lleve a la Universidad de París.

El tipo la lleva a París, donde le dicen lo mismo y le recomiendan que vaya a Egipto.

El millonario entonces se va con la momia a Egipto. Recorre el Museo de El Cairo, la Academia de Antropología, la Academia de Historia y nada. Cuando está saliendo del último museo se le acerca un ordenanza y le dice:

¿Usted quiere averiguar todo sobre esa momia?

Sí.

Bueno, yo le voy a dar una dirección, pero por favor usted no diga que se la dí yo. Mire, vaya a la Policía Federal en Buenos Aires, en la Argentina. Pida hablar con este Sargento, él lo va a ayudar.

El tipo va a la Argentina, se dirige al Departamento de Policía y pide hablar con el Sargento indicado por el ordenanza egipcio.

Mire, me dijeron que hable con usted, que me iba a poder ayudar… Yo quiero averiguar lo más posible sobre esta momia.

Déjemela y venga dentro de un par de días.

El millonario vuelve a los tres días totalmente desesperanzado y le pregunta al Sargento:

¿Y? ¿Cómo va la cosa?

Mire, se trata del Rey Thor IIX, tío abuelo de Tutankamon, que vivió en los años 1300 a. de C. Había sido amante de la esposa del abuelo de Tutankamon y por esto se peleó con su hermano muriendo en la lucha y dejando el reino a su sobrino, el padre de Tutankamon. Además, también parece que era un depravado porque intentó violar a su hija. De chico sus padres le pegaban, lo que lo marcó para toda su vida y…

Pare, pare. ¿Cómo averiguó todo esto?

Al principio costó un poquito, pero cuando lo apretamos enseguida largó todo.

Una niña que le pregunta a su madre:

Mamá, ¿cómo se hacen los niños?

Niña, a los hijos los trae la cigüeña.

Entonces, ¿quien se coge a la cigüeña?

To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.



Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.



2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.



Thank you for your cooperation.

Your mom is like a hockey player because she doesnt change her pad for 3 periods.

Your momma is so poor . . .

When I walked in, there were roaches all over the TV. I asked her what she was doing, and she said, Watching All My Children.

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called The Fission Chips.

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. I think my line of work would win this one hands down, the surgeon said. After all, Eve was created from Adams rib, and that sounds like surgery to me. Maybe, the architect said, but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment. Sure, the politician said. But before that, someone had to create the chaos.

CONFIDENTIAL

Dear John:

I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.

I dont know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of money with very little investment.

A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our intention to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue about $3 million a year. This averages out to about $10 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times faster than cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat ranch. If we started with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of cat per day. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation, self-supporting, and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats, and the rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes because snakes skin themselves twice a year. This will save the labor costs of skinning the cats as well as giving us two skins per cat.

Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, Im rather particular whom I want in this deal. And I want the fewest investors possible.

May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Very truly yours,

Ray Waters