Old and New Jokes

coz hes got wee legs!

One day the parishioners of a church decided the church needed repainting. They gathered up all their supplies, bought all their paint and began painting. Halfway through the job they realized that there wouldnt be enough paint and they didnt want to spend anymore money to buy more. So, they began to thin the pain with water until there was enough to finish. As they put the last stroke on the church the heavens parted and rain gushed down. All the thinned paint ran off the side of the church and into the gutters. A voice bellowed from above REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If moneys the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money cant make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money. Its not the money I want, its the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy friendship, but it cannot buy love. Money Talks – and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we dont have enough of…. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory. Visit your money this year – vacation in Washington D.C. When money talks, it usually says Bend over. You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back! Alimony? …sounds kind like all yer money No one kills over drugs … They kill over money. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that its time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home, Mother of Six?

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did EXACTLY what he was told to do.



The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.



But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail!! Well whats wrong with you?, he asked the city fellow. Why didnt you stay where I told you to?



The city fellow, still very excited, replied, Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didnt move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didnt move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed into my lap and then one said to the other, Shall we take them with us or eat them here, well I just couldnt stand it any more!

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told its his day off …

But I get called out on my days off, too!
says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of
aspirin and walks out, saying,

Put these in. If it doesnt clear up in 24 hours, come
and see me tomorrow.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and Ill show you an Asshole! Another man walks up to the guy and says I resent that statement! The first guys says Why, Are you a Lawyer?

and the second guys replies NO! Im an ASSHOLE!

Un tipo que estaba a punto de morir pensaba: Creo que en esta vida he sido muy malo y San Pedro seguramente no me dejará entrar al cielo; ya sé, cuando vaya a presentarme donde San Pedro le llevaré un saco lleno de nances para sobornarlo y así me dejará entrar.

Entonces un ángel oyó el vil pensamiento de aquel hombre y fue y lo acusó con San Pedro.

Cuando al tipo le llegó la hora de presentarse ante San Pedro éste ya sabía de su plan y le dijo: Ahora por haber pensando en sobornarme en castigo te pondré que te metas todos esos nances uno por uno por el culo.

Por allá estaba el pobre hombre detrás de una nube metiéndose los nances, cuando ve al ángel que lo había acusado cagado de risa. Y entonces el mae le dice: Claro pendejo, como no eres tú el que estás en esto te cagas de risa.

A lo que el ángel le contesta: Yo no me estoy riendo de tí, me río porque allá veo venir a otro con un saco lleno de cocos.

El primer día de clases, la maestra pregunta a sus alumnos:

Juanito, ¿cuál es la profesión de tu mamá?

Secretaria, profesora.

¿Y tu mamá, Pepito, a qué se dedica?

¿Mi mamá? Mi mamá es sustituta.

¿Cómo dices?

¡Sustituta!

Esa profesión no existe, Pepito. Por favor, explícanos lo que hace tu madre.

Bueno, mi mamá se para en una esquina y allí llegan unos señores que le dan dinero; entonces ella entra con ellos a un cuarto de hotel y, después de media hora, los señores salen apretándose el cinturón…

¡Pero, Pepito, entonces tu mamá no es sustituta, sino prostituta!

¡No, no, la puta es mi tía que está enferma! Mi mamá sólo le está cuidando la esquina…