Old and New Jokes

What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?

A pussy hare.

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position.

Sorry, said the President, but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.

Todos los niños habían salido en la fotografía y la maestra estaba tratando de persuadirlos a cada uno de comprar una copia de la fotografía del grupo.

Imagínense qué bonito será cuando ya sean grandes todos y digan Allí está Catalina, es abogada, o también Ese es Miguel. Ahora es doctor.

Sonó una vocecita desde atrás del salón:

Y allí está la maestra. Ya se murió.

Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

A brain walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says Sorry, I cant serve you.

Why not? askes the brain.

Youre already out of your head.

Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now
in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G. S. T.

A guy goes into a bar and starts to hit on a girl. Things go very well for the both of them and they eventually end up at his place. After a passionate night of playing kissy face and pressy body, they fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy wakes and looks at the girl and says, By the way, I didnt ask you if you ever had AIDS.

The girl promptly denies this.

The guy then says, Thats a relief. Id hate to catch that again!

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone elses plate, it doesnt count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.