Old and New Jokes

Yo mama is so poor the last time she made bread was when she had a Yeast infection

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

Hubby: Its not my fault…I ran out of money!

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks, Father, is Michael Jackson God?

Q: Why is a ship called she?

A: A ship is called a she because:

There is always a great deal of bustle around her.
There is usually a gang of men about.
She has waist and stays.
It takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good.
It is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep
She can be all decked out.
It takes an experienced man to handle her correctly. 🙂
Without a man at the helm, she is uncontrollable. 😀
She shows her topsides, hides her bottom.
When coming into port, always heads for the buoys. 🙂

Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?

A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?

A. An interpreter.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. The brick doesnt follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?

A. She sold her car for it…

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. Are you sure its mine?

A woman tells her friend, My husband is an angel.

Her friend replies, Youre lucky, mine is still alive.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher hed found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didnt move, answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didnt move.

A zoo in a redneck town acquires a female gorilla that soon goes into heat. There are no male gorillas of the species available, so the park administrators think of Ed, the part-time animal cage cleaner. They ask Ed if hed be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed shows interest but says hell have to think the matter over.The next day, Ed announces that hell do it, but only under three conditions, First, he says, I dont want to have to kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this. And third, you gotta give me another week to come up with the 500 bucks.

He calls a phone sex line and the girl says, not tonight, I have got an earache.

One Christmas, a little Italian boy sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy mosta of the year so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy for the whole year so I want a new….” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mothers room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it into the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again….”