You order a Double Whopper and he says, Hey, my name aint Rockefeller, honey.
Youve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
Your dinner reservations are under Loser, party of 2
Hes especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
He calls to tell you hell pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
Hes been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.
Darling, she whispered after they had finished making love, Will you still make love like that to me after were married ?
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, I think so.
Ive always been especially fond of married women.
Husband (Returning late from work ) : Good Evening Dear, Im
now logged in.
Wife : Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning?
Husband : Erroneous syntax.. Abort ?
Wife : What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters …
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : By Default.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : File in use … Try after some time.
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
Wife : Are you going to drink some wine ?
Husband : File system is full.
Wife : What is the relation between u and your Receptionist ?
Husband : Only user in my WRITE group.
Wife : What is my value in the family ?
Husband : Unknown Virus.
From Little Moron Stories by Ernest W. Baughman, Hoosier Folklore Bulletin 1943. – Quoted in B.A. Botkin (ED) A Treasury of American Folklore, Newyork: Crown Publishers, 1944.
Little moron was painting the house when another one came up and said, Got a good hold on that brush?
Yep.
Well, if you are sure you got a good hold on that brush Ill borrow your ladder for a second.
O.K. but dont keep it long. The handle of this paint brush is kind of slippery.
Little morons wife send him down town after a bucket of ice. He came back with a pail of water. I got this for half price because it was melted.
Little moron took two slices of bread and went down and sat on the street corner waiting for the traffic jam. A big truck came along and gave him a jar.
Q: Why did the little moron go to the lumber yard?
A: To look for his draft board.
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma.
The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.
That night, the kid says Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa The next day the grandpa dies.
The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy.
The father freaks. Hes thinking Im gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.
At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says, Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? Ive had a really bad day. She says YOUVE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much because
they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive
farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office.
The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. Doctor, she says, I
dont know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent,
stink terribly!
The doctor says, Good, Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets
work on your hearing.
Whats invisible & smells like carrots?
Bunny Farts!
If your printout does not arrive within 1.2 seconds, immediately take the printer offline and press enough times to place the perforation in the center of all subsequent printouts. Leave the printer in this inoperative state, but be sure to place your document (140k minimum) in the queue at least five (5) more times before going home. In the unlikely event you return for your output, give it a cursory glance before discarding in the recycle bin.
Be sure and send all graphics output to the line printer as often as possible. Fill at least 175 pages with brief cryptic strings such as q:!@ in the corner. After observing that this output does not match the plot you intended, perform the exact same action a second time, in the hope that the first error was simply the result of intervention by evil spirits.
Wad, crush, crumple, stomp, spindle, paw, and rip at least six (6) other users output in retrieving your own. Broadcast this refuse in random directions or coat the vicinity of the printer with it in an act of modern-type performance art.
Note to administrators: change the print ribbon at least once every four years, whether it needs it or not. Ensure that the print queue is disabled before all major Total Quality Management projects, and that name/banner/whitespace pages exceed printed output by a minimum ratio of at least 3:1.
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
My son, the first one says, started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!
My son, said the second, started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!
My son, said the third, started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.
Well, the fourth guy said, my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.
So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesnt live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please dont date it!
I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you dont like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.
Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.
Id live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.