Dear son,

Im writing this letter slow cause i know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and havent seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you? Your Aunt Maybelle said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home saying that if we dont make the last payment on grandmas funeral bill, up she comes.

Your Uncle Luke fell in to the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely so he could drown. He burned for 3 days after we cremated him.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, Arlo was driving and Joe Bob and Elmo were in the back. Arlo got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they could not get the tail-gate down.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love, Mom

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one oclock came and he didnt return. Two oclock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the ranchers widow sitting by
the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. Now take off my boots. He did so, slowly. Now take off my socks. He did. Now take off my skirt. He did. Now take off my bra. Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now, she said, take off my panties. He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, If you ever wear my clothes to town again, Ill fire you on the spot.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.



Please describe, said his attorney, the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes infidelity.



Well, Im pretty much on the road all week, the man testified. So naturally when I am home, Im attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning, he continued, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

Cant you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at 88.

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captains chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Ships dryer indiscriminately shreds crews uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says Pretty please with sugar on it.

Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.

Replacement parts for automatic door to captains ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Theyre both crushed-asians

Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, becouse tough girls arent afraid of the dark.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin and dealin they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot

n helicóptero volaba sobre Seattle cuando una falla eléctrica inhabilitó todo el equipo de navegación y comunicaciones electrónico. Debido a las nubes y la contaminación, el piloto no podía saber la posición y el curso del helicóptero para dirigirse al aeropuerto.

El piloto vio un edificio elevado, voló hacia él, escribió unas palabras en una hoja de papel y la puso contra la ventana del helicóptero. La nota decía: ¿Dónde estoy? en grandes letras. La gente que estaba en el edificio respondió rápidamente, con otra nota sobre la ventana, que decía: Estás en un helicóptero.

El piloto sonrió, saludó con la mano, vio su mapa, determinó el curso al aeropuerto y aterrizó a salvo. Cuando ya estaban en tierra, el copiloto le preguntó al piloto, cómo le había ayudado la nota de Estás en un helicóptero a determinar su posición.

El piloto respondió:

Yo sabía que ese tenía que ser el edificio de Microsoft porque la respuesta que me dieron era técnicamente correcta pero completamente inútil.

Un niño estaba jugando en el parque con su perrito cuando, de repente, se escucha una gran explosión en dirección a su casa. De inmediato se fue detrás de los curiosos para ver en dónde había ocurrido el siniestro.

Cuando llegó, el menor pudo confirmar lo anterior: su casa era la que había explotado y, lo peor, su familia estaba adentro.

Abriéndose paso entre los curiosos, el infante pudo entrar a la casa (o lo que quedaba de ella). El cuadro no podía ser más estremecedor: su familia estaba totalmente calcinada. En un instante se había quedado sin nadie.

Estupefacta y en estado de choque, la criatura sale de la casa y en ese momento los curiosos hacen un círculo alrededor de él; se hace un silencio sepulcral, y de pronto todos a coro empiezan a gritar:

¡Quiere llorar, quiere llorar…!

An Israeli doctor says, Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says, In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.