Well, one you shuck between fits…

A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, Your dog is in heat.

The redneck cowboy answers, No way the dogs in heat; hes cool cause hes tied under the shade of the tree.

The policeman says, No! you dont understand, your dog needs to be bred.

The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, No way dog needs bread, hes not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning.

The policeman finally gets mad and says, Look, your dog wants to have sex.

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!

Se encontraban dos viejitos cumpliendo 60 años de casados. Para festejar hacen una cena y después se van a dormir.

En la cama la vieja le pronone al marido que cada uno pida para festejar un deseo y que el otro se lo conceda. El viejo piensa y le dice: Mira mi amor, hace 60 años que estamos casados y vos nunca me practicaste el sexo oral, yo no me quisiera morir con esa inquietud por eso te pido que me lo hagas.

La vieja le dice que no hay drama. Se saca la dentadura postiza, la pone en un vaso y le hace una mamada increible que el viejo queda bizco en la cama.

Termina la vieja y le dice: Bueno, ahora me toca pedir a mi un deseo, yo con el sexo nunca tuve problemas, me gusta como lo hicimos siempre. Pero en 60 años que estamos casados vos nunca después del sexo te levantaste, fuiste a la cocina y me trajiste un jugo para tomar, por eso mi deseo es que ahora vayas a la cocina, me hagas un jugo de naranja y me lo traigas a la cama.

En eso el viejo la mira y le dice:

¡Pero hacételo vos che, vieja CHUPAPIJA!

Una mujer en el 25º aniversario de su matrimonio, cincuentona ella, con las carnes algo caídas, pero con mucha ilusión, se viste de lencería fina, con medias, ligas y tacones de aguja incluidos, entra insinuante en la habitación y se planta frente a su marido que está tirado mirando la tele:

Cariño -dice la mujer- ¿te acordás cuando nos casamos, un día como hoy,hace 25 años? Me dijiste: Te voy a comer los pechos hasta secártelos. Te voy a tocar el culo hasta que se te caiga. Te voy a hacer el amor hasta que te vuelvas loca. ¿Y hoy no tenés nada que decirme?

El marido la mira de arriba a abajo y le dice:

¡Misión cumplida!

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation Genesis 3:10.



Revelation 3:20 reads: Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me. Genesis 3:10 reads: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of £500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.



Cambridge University spent £750,000 on a research programme that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.



Finally, the Open University spent £2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.



Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.





Me next! Me next! says the paralegal. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.





Youre next, the Genie says to the partner.





The partner says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Snow!
Snow who?
Snow use, Ive forgotten my key again!

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

Harrisbergers Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.