Old and New Jokes

There was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said shed bring a car door……..so if they got hot she could roll down the window.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.



The third Catholic woman says smugly, My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence.



The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.



The first three women give her this subtle Well…?



She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 62, hard-bodied stripper………… Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God….

it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes





when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends





she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order





she sold the car for gas money





she got stabbed in a shoot out





when asked on an application, Sex?, she marked, M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.





she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif





***yo mama so fat***





when she stood on the bathroom scale, it said to be continued…..





last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale





when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please





her nickname is DAMN





people jog around her for exercise





shes got her own area code





even Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction





she has more chins then a hong kong phone book





***yo mama so nasty***





shes like a brick, rough around the edges and gets laid by mexicans every day





she has lobsters instead of crabs





***yo mama so ugly***





she joined an ugly contest, and they said, sorry, no professionals.





she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning





that if ugly were bricks shed have her own projects





she makes blind kids cry





she makes onions cry





***your mama so old***





her security code is 000-00-0001





when god said,let there be light, she flicked the switch.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

What is black, blue, red, and brown?
A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.

What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?
The invitation.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that brewnettes can understand them.

What is a fine lookin man with a brewnette?
A hostage.

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend.
One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay
the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from
her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three
wishes.

First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.

Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.

And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and
that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome
prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said,
Now Ill bet youre sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation.

Ken.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. –Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. –Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each others pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. –Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. –Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

In politics stupidity is not a handicap. –Napoleon Bonapart

Its amazing how many people beat you at golf now that youre no longer president. –George Bush

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. –Winston Churchill

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes. –Contemporary Comedy

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; Im
beginning to believe it. –Clarence Darrow

All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. –B.B. Franklin

Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame. –Meg Greenfield, in Newsweek

Every politician who runs for the presidency says he wants to turn the
country around. Thats why we have so many problems. The countrys been
turned around so many times, its going in circles. –Joe Hickman

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot have a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasnt for any religious reasons.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin. –Steven Israel

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. –John F. Kennedy

I voted for the Democrats because I didnt like the way the Republicans were
running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in
the head to stop your headache. –Jack Mayberry

Former President Carter said that Bill Clinton brought
disgrace to the White House with his last minute pardon of
Marc Rich. After hearing this, President Clinton denied the
accusation and said that was not how he brought disgrace to
the White House. –Conan OBrien

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. –P.J. ORourke

When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics. –Representative Charlie Rangel

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. –Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, Ive signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. –Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have
looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. –Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at
any time in case of national emergency,
even if Im in a cabinet meeting. –Ronald Reagan

Politics aint worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. –Will Rogers

Theres no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. –Will Rogers

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer Present or Not guilty. –Theodore Roosevelt

The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. –Theodore Roosevelt

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. –George Bernard Shaw

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose thats just one of the risks he takes. –Adlai Stevenson

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question
with an open mouth. –Adlai Stevenson

After spending a year in Washington, I long for the realism and sensitivity of Hollywood. –Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, also known for his acting career

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are
decent, hard-working, honest Americans. Its the other lousy
two percent that get all the publicity. But then – we elected
them. –Lily Tomlin

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. –Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain (Puddnhead Wilsons New Calendar)

President Thieu says hell quit if he doesnt get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, thats not called quitting. –The Washington Post

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. –E. B. White

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. –Oscar Wilde

An American is a person who isnt afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. –Unknown

Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share of the national debt. –Unknown

In politics everything is possible — until you get elected. –Unknown

No mans life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. –Unknown

Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. –Unknown

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. –Unknown

The head of a goverment office retired recently. His staff threw a party for him, gave him a watch, and told him what his job had been. –Unknown

I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said, I know, I married the wrong man.

heres one for all those who feel tired after a stressful working day…

An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle.

Doc: So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?

Exec: Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night.

Doc: Hmm, and any other love interests?

Exec: Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven oclock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four oclock when she brings my afternoon tea.

Doc: Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!

Exec: Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too.

Doc: My God, man, no wonder youre always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!

Exec: But I do, doc, twice a day…

any resemblances between the characters in this joke and Ralph Halpern are purely coincidental