Old and New Jokes

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says Youve got to come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle! I dont know how to get it started!! Her boyfriend asks Whats it supposed to be when its done? The blonde replies According to the box, its supposed to be a tiger.So her boyfriend comes over and the blonde shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He examines the peices for a moment and then looks at the box and says First of all, I suggest you make a cup of strong coffee and then well put all these frosted flakes back in the box!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:Dear God,Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry you been!

Isnt putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin mate !

Dos compadres terminan una kilométrica borrachera y, por miedo al enojo de sus mujeres, deciden rentar un cuarto de hotel para descansar hasta que se les baje la embriaguez. Sin embargo, solamente consiguen un cuarto con una cama donde deciden pasar la noche. A eso de las tres de la mañana le dice un compadre al otro:

Compadre, ¿no te duele la cabeza?

No, ¿por qué?

¡Porque ahí te va el resto!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.