A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.
The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyers unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. Hes in THAT one!, cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friends family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
What did you do that for!, exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other one!
Exactly, replied the sheriff, Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?
48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!
1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
7. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I dont work here. Im a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.
14. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!… Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for whats behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.
He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.
So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.
Post-graduate in School of Love.
Yo mamas so thin when she turns sideways she dissapears.
One day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.
Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!
A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!
The third kid come down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what?
She said, Let me guess… You pooped a bullet?
He said, No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.
ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOG
COMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIEND
FESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKER
FIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIE
GENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEW
G. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIERS BALL GAME
HANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTORS CANE
MORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED EM
SECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF YOURE OUT
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED
(A true story from my friend in the Army)
In this particular branch of the Armys officer training school,
the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their
work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the
early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
Four-seven-seven-zero? he asked.
Here, replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though,
he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
Seven-zero-seven-five? asked the instructor.
Here, repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier, spoke the teacher.
Thats right, sir, answered our hero. I have a nick-number.
Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthys Christmas song:
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Pack of Bud
Rasslin tickets
tin of copenhagen
years probation
table dancers
cans of redman
cans of spam
Flannel Shirts
Mud Grip Tires
Shotgun Shells
Huntin dogs
and some parts to a Mustang GT
If youre from Georgia youll understand the Mud Grip Tires 🙂
An old cowboy, dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?
To which he replied, Well, Ive spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences … so I guess I am.
After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, Ive never been on a ranch so Im not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV – everything seems to make me think of women.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?
To which he replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that Im a lesbian.