Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jester!
Jester who?
Jester minute Im trying to find my keys!

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: Its all in the grip.

Una joven vio a un hombre atractivo en un bar, se sentó junto a él, ordenó una bebida y se presentó. Tras conversar por un rato, ella lo invitó a su casa.

Cuando llegaron, ella le preparó una bebida, encendió el televisor y se fue a poner algo más cómodo.

Al rato salió vestida con un negligee transparente, se paseó por la sala y anunció, París, 1998.

El hombre sonrió y continuó viendo la televisión.

La muchacha regresó al cuarto, se puso un traje de baño topless y anunció, San Francisco, 1997.

El hombre siguió viendo la televisión sin pestañear.

Entonces ella gritó, ¿Oye, cuál es el problema contigo?

El hombre se levantó, se bajó los pantalones y dijo: ¡Máquina podadora, 1996!

A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, What was in that sandwich you gave me?

Why? she asked.



Because it was disgusting. he answers. What was in it?



Crab Paste. she says.



Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?



The Pharmacy. she answers

Equal is not always synonymous with the same. Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.



2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and shell look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and hell somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if youre driving there.



3. Boys rooms are usually messy. Girls rooms are usually messy, except its a good smelling mess.



4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.



5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.



6. Boys couldnt care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.



7. Baby girls find mommys makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommys makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.



8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.



9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because theyre too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.



10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.



11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.



12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.



13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after theyve watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie three times in a row.



14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?

George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.


George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…

Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

What if she’s lying on her back?

George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!

Customer: How do i stand for a £30,000 loan

Bank Manager: You dont you grovel

If you have nothing to do, dont do it here.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

I dont know, what?

Popeye beat the shit out of him!