I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open
their pay envelopes and find, This paycheck intentionally left
blank.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, Ketchup!

Se encuentran dos amigos en la calle: Pero Juan… ¡te has hecho una mujer!

Pues sí, me dí cuenta que me sentía mujer y me operé.

Pero eso habrá sido doloroso.

Sí, claro… me tuvieron que poner implantes de silicona, me cortaron mis partes, me depilé todo el cuerpo… un horror. Pero lo peor de todo fue cuando me tuvieron que reducir el cerebro.

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music… anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the Chicken did?

Joke found on http://www.neojokes.com

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

Someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.

*25 Things a Wife would say in a perfect world!*

1) Ill swallow it all…I love the taste! 2) Are you sure youve had enough to drink? 3) Im bored. Lets shave my pussy! 4) Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) Youre so sexy when youre hungover. 8) Id rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Lets subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, lets go to the mall so you can check out womens asses. 12) Ill be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know its a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, Ill take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor…forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for christs sake, you go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again… come on lets go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us–why dont you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or

8. 23) You need your sleep…stop getting up for the babys night feedings. 24) If I dont get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

Which day does a fish hate?

Fryday

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

Thanx to Anne Park.