Old and New Jokes

Lorena Bobbit virus:
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Tim Allen virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus:
Wont let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

George Michael virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

Joey Buttafuoco virus:
Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I cant get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said Yes, but it didnt work.

He said, Did you try hitting them with a broom.
She said, Yes, but that didnt work either.

He then said, Well Maam heres what you do. Hang up. Ill call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said, Do you really think that will work?
He said, Well it just did for me!

How ironic… this is the second time in history a Deep Throat has been
at the center of a presidential controversy.

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code

Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996

*/

#include stdio.h
#include dos.h
#include conio.h
#include win31.h
#include evenmore.h
#include oldstuff.h
#include billrulz.h

/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

William H. Gates III wrote:
I have serious doubts about the EASY
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be HARD.

Carry on,
Bill

*/
#define INSTALL = HARD

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{ display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99683-95
from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to: William H. Gates III

Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:

Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code
within the if-statement will never execute, we
descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes
of consumer-diskspace!

Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project

*/
/* if(still_not_crashed) {
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/ create_general_protection_fault();
}

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops to eat at diner. As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying,
NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes on in and sits down. The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living? The truck driver says he drives a truck, and that the smell is just from the computers hes hauling. The waiter says, OK, truck drivers arent nerds, and takes his order.As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. Stunned, the truck driver asks him why he did that.The waiter said, Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license, he said.So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back out onto the freeway. Suddenly he swerves to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The big rigs back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.As he jumps out, he sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. Theyre all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the diner, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of the nerds instantly.A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him to stop.The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.Well, sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em!

I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)
Ive got a boyfriend
(whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).
I dont date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
Its not you, its me.
(Its not me, its you.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
Im celibate.
(Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

… and the number 1 rejection line given by women

Lets be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache? So he could look like his mama.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come aain and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine, says the lady indignantly. In this country we dont speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

Hey coola down lady, said the man. Who talkinabouta sex? Im justa tellin my frienda how to spell Mississippi.

Why do farts smell? Its so as deaf people can enjoy them as well!.

A reportedly true story heard on Q107 yesterday:

A man was driving from his home up to Thunder Bay, Ontario to visit
friends. While there, he was involved in a collision with another car, but
the other driver left the scene of the accident. He reported it to the
police, who looked into it, and told him the next day that the car that hit
him was a stolen vehicle. The man was able to drive his pickup truck home,
only to find when he got home that, lo and behold, his car was stolen! Sure
enough, the car that hit him several hundred miles from home was his own.

Id just like to see if his insurance agent breaks down laughing or crying.