Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the towns name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly. The blonde leaned over and said Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed
he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly
confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple
who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and
even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and
said, Im only here to listen to the music.

Yeah? replied the man. Were only here to see our dog.

One day a good Jewish couple were lamenting over their teenage son wondering what would become of him in life.

Finally the father came up with an idea. On the credenza in the dining room, he would place a $20.00 bill, a copy of the Old Testament and a double shot of whiskey.

Then he and his wife would hide in the closet when their son came home and watch to see what item he would select. If he took the $20.00 he would be a frugal and successful businessman.

If he took the Old Testament he would be a respected Rabbi.

And if he selected the whiskey hed end up a no-good stinking drunk bum – but at least theyd know.

When all the items were layed out on the credenza the couple hid in a nearby closet. Not long after the teenage son arrived home and walked into the dining room.

After looking over the items layed out before him he picked up the $20.00 and stuffed in his pocket. He then picked up the Old Testament and placed in under his arm. Finally he picked up the glass of whiskey, downed the contents and walked out the door.

The father began sobbing uncontrollably.

Whatevers wrong? asked the mother.

And the man replied Our sons going to be a Catholic Priest!

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale
you might be interested in.

A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he
hit on a great idea…

At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer
park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if
the owner didnt pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club
is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this
yard that judging from their condition hadnt been sailed for at least
a year.

My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary
for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap
he rang said he wasnt interested in selling as he was going to sail it
himself one of these days.

He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman
answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My
friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it
clearly hadnt been sailed for a year – did she think her husband would be
interested in selling?

Oh no she said, there must be some mistake – come rain or shine my husband
spends one weekend a month in London sailing…

I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, Doctor, please help me find out whats wrong with me!

So Dr. Chang said, Take off all yu cwothes. So she did. Then he said, Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me. So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, I know what wong with yu… Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!

The lady asked, What the heck is that?!

Dr. Chang replied, Dats wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, Ill display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what youve learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford? His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Dont tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt? His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

Never Judge a Book by its Author

—————————————————

Is O. J. Guilty?…………..Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses…………. Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation………Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear ………….Lucy Lastic

Downpour! ………………..Wayne Dwops

Cloning ………………….Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring ……………Lynn OLeum

I Lived in Detroit ………..Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please ………Arthur Itis

Handels Messiah ………….Ollie Luyah

House Construction ………..Bill Jerome Home

Unemployed ……………….Anita Job

Off to Market …………….Tobias A. Pigg

Holmes Does it Again ………Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV …………….Eddie Buddyhome

Lewis Carroll …………….Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy ………………Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast …Kareem O Wheat

Neither a Borrower ………..Nora Lender Bee

The French Chef …………..Sue Flay

Tight Situation …………..Leah Tard

The Scent of a Man ………..Jim Nasium

Why Cars Stop …………….M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows ……….Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger ……………..Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing …………Andover Hand

Its Springtime! ………….Theresa Green

No! ……………………..Kurt Reply

And Shut Up! ……………..Sid Downe

Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?

A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end. After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrased. How can we get him out of here?, they asked.

Finally, one professor came up with an idea. Lets put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, well give him a diploma.

Everyone agreed, so they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: What is one plus one? He received his question and he thought…and thought…and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted Two!!.

AWWWWWW, cried the student body. Give him another chance!