Jay Leno says his automotive nightmare is to be stuck in a
toll booth line-up behind a Pinto and in front of an Audi.

Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Clauss sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good Ill certify you to fly.

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as hes starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? Santa yells.

The inspector says, Well, Santa, Im really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.

Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.

Todos los animales de la selva son convocados a una reunión especial para tratar el punto de la sequía en la tierra, que los estaba azotando muy fuertemente.

Queridos amigos animales, tenemos que comisionar a uno de nosotros para que hable con el Creador y le pida que nos envíe la lluvia lo antes posible. El calor es insoportable y muchos de nuestros hermanos se han enfermado por esta causa. Por favor, que levante la mano el aguerrido hermano que esté capacitado para cumplir con esta misión.

El silencio se apoderó del lugar y ninguno levantaba la mano. Entonces, la tortuga sacó la cabeza del caparazón y dijo, muy pausadamente:

Compañeros, yo iré y hablaré con el Creador.

Todos aplaudieron, y la tortuga partió a realizar su misión. Luego de tres meses, ni llovía ni la tortuga regresaba; los animales, muy preocupados, deciden reunirse nuevamente.

Queridos compañeros, tenemos que comisionar a otro de nosotros para investigar que pasó con la tortuga, ya que ha pasado mucho tiempo, y no llegan ni la lluvia ni el invierno y la tortuga tampoco regresa. En ese momento, se escucha un ruido entre los matorrales y todos se ponen atentos; de repente, muy tranquilamente, sale la tortuga diciendo:

Si siguen hablando de mí no voy.

Se está muriendo la suegra. Toda la familia se encuentra reunida alrededor de su lecho. La viejita mirando hacia la ventana:

¡Qué lindo atardecer!

El yerno dirigiéndose a la suegra:

¡No se distraiga, mamá! ¡No se distraiga!

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldnt. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top is down.

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?

Little Richie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.



The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.



Little Susie said I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.



The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone.



The teacher said, Why Johnny?



He responded by saying, because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?

A fur coat!

How is a tornado like a redneck divorce?

– Either way youre gonna loose the trailor.