Old and New Jokes

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?

Well, said the vet lets have a look at him The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.



Well, says the vet Im going to have to put him down.



Just because hes cross-eyed? says the man.



No, because hes heavy, says the vet.

Left Bank left bangk: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par-uh-doks: Two physicians.

Q: Whats a blondes favorite wine?

A: Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!

how do you diciplie a blind kid?…………………..

You move the furniture around.

A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to
come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it.

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard
thousands of assholes sing that song.

Many people have noticed that Tolkiens novel The Lord of the
Rings bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
various other luminaries.

Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
agree is of great historical interest.

C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, its really good of you to come along and
act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Havent enjoyed myself so
much since I played in G.K. Chestertons dungeon and slew Father
Brown.

T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
another drink?

Lewis: That depends on the rest of the party. Radagast?

Tolkien: Yes, I want to go and see Madame Sosostris the
clairvoyante and see what she has to say.

(Murmurs of assent from Dorothy L. Sayers, Charles Williams,
Bertrand Russell (visiting), etc. etc.)

Eliot: O.K. Radagast I want you to roll a D20 at this stage to
see what happens as you walk across the Waste Land.

[LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.]

Tolkien: Who is it?

Voice outside: Iss only me, Professor Tolkien. Juss poor Smeagol.
Hes brought his essay for the nice Mr Professor.

[Tolkien goes over to open the door, doing his best to block the
view of the dice, counters and miniature monsters on the floor.
Meanwhile the rest of the party hurriedly leap into chairs and
pretend to be having a deep discussion.]

Lewis: Yes but we all remember what St Paul says about the
Numinous in his Epistle to the Confusions…

Tolkien: Well, Smeagol, where this essay? Cant you see Im busy
discussing the Numinous?

Smeagol: Dont be hard on poor Smeagol, he couldnt find his
precious elvish dictionary. That nasty Baggins had borrowed it.
Oooh, whats that on the floor?

Tolkien: Er, nothing. My son must have left his toys there.

Smeagol: Can Smeagol be an orc?

Bertrand Russell: Certainly not. We dont want any orcs. Ive
come over specially to play White Head the dwarf.

Lewis: You mean, to argue the non-existence of God, dont you?

Russell: Er, yes. Sorry.

Tolkien: Off you go boy and hand your essay in on time in future.
[Door slams]. Now, my character Radagast threw a 12. What happens
to him?

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

In fact, he said, This trees bark is worse than its blight!

PESCARA, Italy — Two senior citizens paid out more than $367,000 for uranium to feed an extraterrestrial doctor they had been told would cure their ailments.

Police said three tricksters persuaded the women that the alien, called Sagyr, could cure them provided he was given uranium for nourishment.

Having failed to spot any improvement in their infirmity, they decided to call police. The trio was jailed Friday by a court in this central Italian city. A judged ordered a sentence of 30 months in prison and a fine.

Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle News Services

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai ( he picks up the receiver and then says he is not at home )

10. Drunkenberry Punch9. Strawberry Escargo8. Tastes Like Teen Spirit7. Toxic Yellow Surprise6. Roadkill Red5. Rocka-fishy Tuna4. Chocolate Fudge Ripple3. Picklejuice2. Shrimp Cocktail1. Sea Monkeys!