Clinton said that his relationship with Monica was inappropriate, in fact
it was wrong.
Whats the difference between inappropriate and wrong. Well,
inappropriate is like wearing black shoes with brown pants. Wrong is
wearing black shoes and no pants.
This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the mailhost. This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that days mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the mailhost. The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys dont
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer
(you did get all the tools needed?).
find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the
switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic
switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic
switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not
deliver the diskettes with the messages to the mailhost not unlike the little
red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.
You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should
happen, you will need to disable the mailhost once again with more forceful
measures. Repeat Step #2. Dont be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place
than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the Have
Key clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer
equipment.
After you have once again regained entry into the mailhost room, open
up the back of the mailhost. There may be a large tv-like device on top of the
mailhost You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut
any cables binding the tv-like device to the mailhost. Set the tv-like device
to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can
find on the mailhost. Once this is done, the mailhost should break away into
two or more pieces.
Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked
with the following labels: Danger, High Voltage, Do not open – no
user-servicable parts. Dont worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy
OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of
saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have.
Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to
properly soak each and every component.
In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion),
douse any flames with the sani-wipes. This solution is provided without
warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death,
contact a physician immediately.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano … wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right….war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
[Note: this is in response to looking for a wife that you posted
about a month ago]
Looking for a Husband
Hardware Requirements:
Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive – no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified bug free.
Top-of-the-line joystick.
Software Requirements:
Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband
Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear,
yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.
yo mamma so old that when she tried to breast feed her breast milk was like powder.
Did you know, I was reading about an enormous factory in the USA where there is only ONE MAN working – I know what youre thinking – weve got enormous factories where NOBODYS working – but this one is different – its got an end product: it is completely automated to make torch batteries, and the only employee is an old rabbi who stands at the end of the conveyor belt and as the batteries go past he says, I wish you long life! I wish you long life!
A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, Hi there…what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so thats why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and thats why he had the bread.
Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that car door?
Well, said the Polak, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, Ill roll down the window.
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their tourist garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldnt help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father, nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: Good morning, Father, Good morning Father, and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldnt stand it and said. Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?
Oh, Father, dont you recognize me? Im Sister Angela!
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
You unpack while I go and find us a bear.
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer – and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.
Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked
at the analyst, and said:
Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another.
andrew@cit5.oz (…oz.au) Andrew Moore.