Old and New Jokes

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the Professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you dont get disgusted.

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people.

How do you get a hundred cows in a barn? You hang up a bingo sign!

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

• Day 1: The 10 Deadliest Snakes Fall Tour

  You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the worlds 10 most deadly snakes.

• Day 2: The Great White Encounter

  You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

• Day 3: The Aboriginal Festival of Spears

  You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

• Day 4: The Crocodile Dundee Petting Zoo

  You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless saltwater crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

• Day 5: Those Marvelous Morays

  This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

Your loyal employees.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Llega un borracho a una cantina y dice:

¡Todos los del lado derecho son putos y todos los del lado izquierdo vayan a chingar a su madre!

Entonces se levanta un tipo que estaba sentado del lado dercho y le grita: ¡Oyeme, yo no soy ningún puto!

El borracho le contesta: ¡Pues pasate para el otro lado!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.



One says, Lets fly out of the cave and get some blood.



Were new here, says the second one. Its dark out, and we dont know where to look. Wed better wait until the other bats go with us.



The first bat replies, Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere. He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.



The second bat says excitedly, Where did you get the blood?



The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, See that black building over there?



Yes, the other bat answers.



Well, says the first bat, I didnt.

10. It doesnt bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. Id be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then Ill start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, Ill be out of here in only two more years.

Its So Easy
(Tune, Its so Easy)

Its with Cesium Im in love!
Its with Cesium Im in love!

People say that Im a fool,
When I take my Cesium into the pool.
And its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yes its so easy,
Where my loves concerned,
To get myself burned.

But its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

I look into her flame and see,
A sky-blue light floodin over me.
Though its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yeah its so easy,
When shes concerned,
To get myself burned.
Still its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

—Songs of Cesium #87

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.