An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its rear end. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.

Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. There, look at the cork in the rear end of that body, I couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it.

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard thousands of butt-holes sing that song.

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So Im leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. Well be staying at the Sheraton.

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And Im sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

Q: Did you hear heaven is going broke?

A: Yeah, Liberace is up there blowing all the prophets!

Liberace was a great pianist but he sucked on the organ.

Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu

While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…

Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.

I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.

************************************************************************

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says Look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.

4. All foam, no beer.

5. The butter has slipped off his pancake.

6. The cheese slid off his cracker.

7. Body by fisher, brains by Mattel.

8. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

9. Couldnt pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

10. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

11. As smart as bait.

12. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

13. Her sewing machines out of thread.

14. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

15. Her antenna doesnt pick up all channels.

16. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

17. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

18. Receiver is off the hook.

19. Not wired to code.

20. Skylight leaks a little.

21. She stayed on the tilt-a-whirl a bit to long.

22. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

23. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

24. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.

25. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.

27. She is so dense, light bends around her.

28. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.

29. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Three turtles stop in at a bar on a hot day for a beer. While theyre waiting they notice that it has started to rain.

Freddy, says the biggest turtle to the smallest, go home and fetch our umbrellas.

No, replies Freddy, because if I leave youll drink my beer.

Both of the other turtles promise they would never do such a thing, so Freddy grudgingly gets down from the stool and heads for the exit. Two weeks go by, as the turtles stare thirstily at Freddys untouched beer in front of them.

Finally one turtle says to the other, Oh, lets go ahead and drink Freddys beer. We can tell him it was never delivered.

A voice from up near the front of the bar says, If you do, Im not going home for the umbrellas!

You know a mans lying if his lips are moving. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be let out alone. Never sleep with a man whos named his willy. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women dont make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him cheque books. Boring men are like snot – they get up your nose. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him. If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring,loving – theyd be wrong – but you could still use them.

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University…

Becoming a Real Man!

Thats right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule

MEN 101…Combating Stupidity

MEN 102…You too can do housework

MEN 103…PMS – Learn when to keep your mouth shut

MEN 104…We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule

MEN 110…Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111…Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.

MEN 112…Parenting: It doesnt end with conception

MEN 113…Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule

MEN 120…How NOT to act like an asshole when youre wrong

MEN 121…Understanding your incompetence

MEN 122…You, the weaker sex

MEN 123…Reasons to give flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule

SEX 101…You CAN fall asleep without it

SEX 102…Morning Dilemma: If its awake, take a shower

MEN 201…How to stay awake after sex

MEN 202…How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule

MEN 210…The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies

MEN 211…How NOT to act younger that your children

MEN 212…You too can be a designated driver

MEN 213…Honest – You dont look like Russel Wong – Especially naked

Spring Schedule

MEN 220…Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary

MEN 221…Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary

MEN 222…Real men ask for directions

MEN 223…Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay