Old and New Jokes

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.

As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:



Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?



Cobra: I dont know, tower. We arent done crashing yet!

A man walks into the bathroom and sees another guy standing at the urinal with no arms. the guy goes, man, u really gotta help me man!!! i really gotta go to the bathroom but as u can see i aint got no arms! so the other guy hesitates, looks around, and then unzips the guys fly 4 him. well, could… could you get it out for me? so the other guy sighs, looks around, and gets ready to pull it out when, he notices its all swollen and scabby and infected. with a bad look, he takes it out quickly and gets ready to leave when he asks, could– could you hold it for me? the guy gets ready to say no, but, seeing the situation, he felt sorry for the guy. so, he looks around again, and holds it. so the guy does is businuss and gets all done. so when the guy gets ready to leave again, the other guy says, well um… could u put it back in? so the guy looks around once again, hesitates and puts it back in. thanks man! thanks! he says. the guy couldnt help it, he said, man, whats the matter with it? its all red a scabby and swollen! so the armless guy sticks his arms out of his shirt and says, i dunno, dude, thats why i got you to hold it!

There was three guyz on an island, lets call them 1,2, and 3. they were on the brink of death when 1 found a lamp with a genie in it. The genie tells them to get 10 of the same fruit and then come back to him.3 returns first with apples. The genie tells him okay shove these 10 apples up your butt and if you do not change your facial expression ill get you off this island. So he starts 1,2,3,4,5 then he yells in pain so he is stuck on the island forever.2 returns with berries and the genie tells him the same thing. So he begins 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 then he starts cracking up laughing, so he is punished by being stranded on the island forever. while 1 is testing his talent 3 asks 2 Why did you satart laughing, you were so close?! 2 said i saw 1 had pineapples!

What do they call Ex-Lax in Holland?

Dutch Cleanser

What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting
on January 22, 1998?

Bill… Goats dont talk!!

These are names of real towns in the US:

Aromatic Creek, MO

Go to Hell Gulch, SD

Caress, WV

Flirtation, CO

Kiss Me Quick, SD

Benign Peak, AK

Bellicose Peak, AK

Deception Creek, AR

Delusion Lake, WY

Another River, AK

Peculiar, MO

Yum Yum, TN

Climax, OR

Ding Dong, TX

Do Stop, KY

Goon Dip Mountain, AK

from The Game of Words by W.R. Espy

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in
a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing
how happy you look, she said. Whats your secret
for a long happy life?I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said.
I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty
foods, and never exercise.Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?Twenty-six! he said.

The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
The new improved model always appears on the market just after youve bought the old model.
The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede yourre wearing.
The novice poker player will always take home the pot
You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
The only things super stick will bond successfully are your fingers
When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red.
If you arent looking for something youve misplaced, then yourre filing something youll never be able to find.
One size fits all items will never fit you!
Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:Cindy, you have sinned.

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Seahawks fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, Its my first wifes birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The Seahawks fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back. But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!

Thanks, your most Royal highness, the Steelers fan replies. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.

Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave, the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? the Sheik asks.

Tie the Browns fan to my back.