Old and New Jokes

Why dosent Mexico have an olimpic team?

Because anyone there who can jump, swim, or run would have already snuck into the United States.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Q. What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?

A. If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.

There once was an explorer in a distant land who was granted an audience with the ruler of the kingdom. After being taken through a large, ornate castle, he was introduced to the king. The king was an impressive figure except for one unusual feature, his head was quite small, about the size of a small grapefruit. After talking with the king for some time, the explorer could not contain his curiosity any longer, and asked the king about the size of his head.

After a pause, the king explained that he had not always been a king, and had in fact, been a fisherman when much younger. One day, while out fishing, he had pulled in his net, and found a mermaid in the net.

From the waist up, the mermaid was a very beautiful woman, from the waist down, a fish. The fisherman was preparing to take the mermaid to market to sell as a curiosity, when the mermaid spoke, and told him that she was a magic mermaid.

The mermaid told the fisherman that if he would let her go, she would grant him three wishes. The fisherman agreed to this, and asked for gold, jewels, and other riches. Immediately, these appeared. Next, he asked to be made a king, and to have a kingdom to rule, with a fabulous castle. These appeared also.

The mermaid asked what his third wish was. Since he had been noticing how beautiful her woman half was, he said that he wanted to make love with her. To this, the mermaid replied that since she was only half woman, this was not possible. The fisherman then said Well in that case, can you give me a little head?

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since hes the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?
God answered, You are what you are. The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…
What was the answer, St. Peter asked. Well I still dont know. All He said was: You are what you are. Well that answers it, Said St. Peter. Youre a white horse with black stripes. How do you know that? asked the zebra. Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: You is what you is.

10. Sag! Youre it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS… 1. Hide and go pee!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks What did you do?.

The woman says I Committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Priest: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Rabbi: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Rabbi: How many times?

Woman: Just once.

Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the Pharmacist for some arsenic.
The Pharmacist asks, Maam, what do you want to do with arsenic? The lady says, Kill my husband.
I cant sell it to you for that reason says he Pharmacist. The lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo and hands it to the Pharmacist.
The photo is of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the Pharmacists wife. He looks at the photo and says, Oh, I didnt realize you had a prescription.