INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
She had it bronzed.
Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven.
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?. To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.
Oh I see., replied the boy, pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, Why are there 3 in this package?
The dad replies, Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.
Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks Then who are these for?
Those are for college men, the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.
WOW! exclaimed the boy; Then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Teds penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
Blimey, Ed said. Ive never seen one like that before!
Like what? Ted said.
All twisted like a pigs tail Ed said.
Well whats yours like? Ted said.
Well straight like normal Ed said.
I thought mine was normal til I saw yours Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.
What did you do that for? Ted said.
Shaking off the excess drops Ed said. Like normal.
Shit Ted said. And all these years Ive been wringing it!
Drinking heavily the night before.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack
up your things. I just won the California lottery!
Martha replies, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?
The man responds, I dont care. Just so long as youre out of the
house by noon!
You might be a redneck if…
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.