Old and New Jokes

Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They dont bother, the neighborhoods been turning black anyway.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. In the last 15 races, Ive won 8 of them!

Another horse breaks in, Well in the last 27 races, Ive won 19!!

Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races, Ive won 28!, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. I dont mean to boast, says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, Ive won 88 of them!

The horses are clearly amazed. Wow! says one, after a hushed silence. A talking dog.

A preacher is buying a parrot.

Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

Peter goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they didnt smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week Peter goes back. Doctor, he says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.

Good, the doctor said. Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

These two guys up north wanted to go ice fishing, so they went to a bait shop. They got some bait and two boxes of icepicks. They went up to the clerk and payed for them. After that they went to the lake. About two hours later they came back to the bait shop and bought another two boxes of icepicks. When they went to pay for them, the clerk said Man, you must be catching a lot. One of the guys told the clerk, Heck no, we havent even got the boat in the water yet!

Nowlans Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original Jaws story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasnt covered by an HMO. 2. The Bibles way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who dont know the seating capacity of a pew.

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval

Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

#1: This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call?