Old and New Jokes

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
Hacker Barbie. These new dolls will be released next month. The aim
of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbies very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORAs In a Nutshell
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair
of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen
without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16
hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
Whats your Internet address?, I like TCP/IP!, Bummer! Your kernel
must have gotten trashed, Cant you grep that file?, and DECs Alpha
AXP is awesome!

We are very excited about this product, said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie. (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, Math is hard, with a condescending companion Ken.) The
Hacker Barbies Ken is an incompetent management consultant who
frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of
Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, I believe that these new dolls will
finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it
comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Kens
hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and
oppress the masses. Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. My daughter Jenny
plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days, says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, and now she pays my credit card
bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just
dont wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama. Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with
the complex aspects of Barbie. Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!! will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

The aged patient doddered into the doctors office with a serious complaint. Doc, youve got to do something to lower my sex drive.Come on now, Mr. Peters, the doctor said, your sex drives all in your head.Thats what I mean, youve got to lower it a little.

I have a friend who became tired of reading the Dont blame me, I voted for Bush bumperstickers. This was his response.

As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.

Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.

It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.

Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:

Dont Blame Me… I *never* voted for Bush
Stop Subsidizing Millionaires… No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
Judaism… Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
Florida… A Right to Work for Less State

Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.

Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with the first gun shot The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then, Little Johnny says I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone To which Little Johnny replied, The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Did anyone see the luge? Its a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.
Whats that mean? asked the child.

Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.

Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?

The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.May I see your drivers license and registration please.?Whats the problem, officer?You just ran that stop sign back there.Oh come on, pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.You gotta be kidding me.Its no joke, sir.Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didnt. Now, if I may see your license and…Youve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. Whats the matter, all the donut shops closed?Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop.The policeman had enough.Sir, I can do better than that.He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?