Old and New Jokes

Yo mamas like…

– Yo mamas like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball. Shes picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.
– Yo mamas like a rifle…four cocks and shes loaded.
– Yo mamas like a bubble gum machine…five cents a blow.
– Yo mamas like Chinese food…sweet, sour, and cheap.
– Yo mamas like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
– Yo mamas like Burger King… Your way, right away.
– Yo mamas like a squirrel, shes always got some nuts in her mouth.
– Yo mamas like 7-Eleven… open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
– Yo mamas like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
– Yo mamas like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
– Yo mamas like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.
– Yo mamas like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.
– Yo mamas like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.
– Yo mamas like a microwave, one button and shes hot.
– Yo mamas like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.
– Yo mamas like a mail box, open day and night.
– Yo mamas like a bag of potato chips, Free-To-Lay.
– Yo mamas like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked.
– Yo mamas like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
– Yo mamas like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.
– Yo mamas like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.
– Yo mamas like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
– Yo mamas like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
– Yo mamas like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.
– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.
– Yo mamas like Pizza Hut, if she isnt there in 30 minutes… its free.
– Yo mamas like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.
– Yo mamas like a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
– Yo mamas like a gas station… you gotta pay before you pump.
– Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
– Yo mamas like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
– Yo mamas like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.
– Yo mamas like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
– Yo mamas like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.
– Yo mamas like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
– Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers.
– Yo mamas like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.
– Yo mamas like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.
– Yo mamas like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
– Yo mamas like a Toyota, OOooh what a feeling!
– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… a real good suck.
– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.
– Yo mamas like an ice cream cone… everyone gets a lick.
– Yo mamas like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.
– Yo mamas like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
– Yo mamas like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
– Yo mamas like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
– Yo mamas like Dennys… open 24 hours.
– Yo mamas like McDonalds… Billions and Billions served.
– Yo mamas like McDonalds… What you want is what you get.
– Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy.
– Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy… everybody pokes her.
– Yo mamas like lettuce, $1 a head.
– Yo mamas like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
Your momma is so fat… the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!
– Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said Sorry…No proffessionals allowed!!!
-Yo mommas so fat, when the lord said – Let There Be Light, he had to ask her to move over!
-Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!
-Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said,yes please!
-Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
-Yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!
-Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!
-Yo mommas so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

Im out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

All my life I said I wanted to be someone…
I can see now that I should have been more specific.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

1.Come out of the stall with wet hands.

2.Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, Darn, I almost made it!

3.Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.

4.Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend youre Erykah Badu.

5.Write on the wall of a womens bathroom Tom was here. In the mens bathroom write Michael Jackson was here.

6.Ask a person in the stall next to you for a tampon.

7.Roll a roll of toilet paper all the way down the row of stalls.

8.For women, stand in front of the toilet.

9.Scream Ohh it burns! as you use the bathroom.

10.Lock the door from the inside, sound frustrated that you cant get out, then crawl under the door, getting as dirty as possible and complain to the manager that the door is faulty.

You can enjoy a cucumber all night long.
You dont have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting to the fun stuff.
Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while you go shopping.
When your cucumber goes soft you toss it.
Cucumbers cant tell time, so they dont know when youre late.
A cucumber doesnt get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or even a carrot!)
When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber.
A cucumber wont get upset if you come home with another cucumber on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket).
If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful.
You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (theyre low in calories)
A cucumber always goes down easy.
You can share a cucumber with friends.
You always know when youre the first one to eat a cucumber.
A cucumber is always hard.
You can have a cucumber in public
A frigid cucumber is a fresh cucumber.
You dont have to wash a cucumber before it tastes good.
The older a cucumber, the larger it gets.
Cucumbers dont fool around.
You can keep a cucumber in your apartment without upsetting your mother.
Cucumbers cant get you pregnant.
Cucumbers dont get drunk (although they have been known to get pickled now and then)

(This joke was stolen from Paul Therouxs Picture Palace and Theroux
probably got it from somewhere else before that.)

Old lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing
himself in the next building.

Dispatcher: Well be right over, lady.

(Five minutes later at her apartment.)

Officer: Which way, lady?

OL: This way officer, hes still shamelessly baring himself.

Officer: Where is he, lady? I dont see no naked man.

OL: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

Ken

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 oclock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Hmmmmm …. about 10 minutes.

Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

Brian: Ohhhh , I cant say that.

Presenter: Theres a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) Weve got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, were going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I cant say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesnt matter. Ive already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: Thats close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I cant say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: Theres a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, Ive already told them so it doesnt matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Love, you cant start it like a car, you cant stop it with a gun. – George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. – Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

Id like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. – Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. – Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women dont gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we dont have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, womens total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. – Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. – Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. – Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. – Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. Its the same with husbands. – Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. – Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution. – Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. – Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each others character before marriage, which is never advisable. – Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? – Virginia Woolf

Early TV news (late 1940s – early 1950s) was highly experimental, broadcast live, and plagued with unforeseen on-the-air foul-ups.

David Brinkley writes in his new autobiography, David Brinkley – A Memoir, of a particular incident he endured in the pre-Huntley days – one of those things you can laugh at later, but seems like a nightmare when its happening. (Printed without permission:)

One of Brinkleys first regularly-scheduled NBC TV news reports was five minutes of air time at 6:00 p.m. filled with scraps of film gathered during the day by a single cameraman, George Johnson, a nice young man totally inexperienced and untrained in journalism, working with a handheld, spring-wound silent-film camera, a Bell and Howell Filmo, wandering alone around Washington during the day looking for something, anything, to put on the air that night.

Whatever he brought in was broadcast while I sat in a tiny studio out of sight of the audience looking at a television screen and narrating film I had never seen before.

Rehearsals? There weret any.

While the film ran, I talked behind it, an engineer somewhere else in the building played background music from a phonograph record.

Background music? Yes, we still thought we were doing newsreels and they always had music, didnt they? Yes, of course. Predictably, this messy procedure brought to the screen some perfectly terrible programs.

This was the worst: One day, George Johnson brought in four small film stories. When they were spliced together, the first in line was a funeral of a departed dignitary in Arlington cemetery.

The second and third stories I have forgotten. The fourth was about some kind of experiment with sheep at an Agriculture Department station in nearby Maryland. The film was delivered to the control room to be threaded into the projector. It was threaded in, but backward.

Nobody noticed. At 6:00 p.m., the projector started, and somewhere down the hall an engineer started the music. What went out on the air was sonorous, funereal music suitable for a burial in Arlington while on the screen was a picture of a sheep upside down.

I sat, stunned and confused, in the little studio looking at and listening to this mess and wondering what in Gods name I could do or say.

Nothing, as it turned out. Looking at an upside-down sheep I could do or say nothing but keep quiet and let it run out to the finish. But others said it for me. For years after, people on the streets and in elevators asked me, You ever get that sheep back on its feet?