Old and New Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!

Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer?, asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?

No, sir, said Earl. Were on the patch!

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After the dentist has had a short look at the mans mouth he says, So…been licking your wife recently?

The poor man looks up in horror and replies, Uhhh …Yeah …uhhh …why? …Do I have pubes between my teeth?

Whereupon the dentist replies, Nope …youve got shit in your nostrils!

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks.

The woman says, Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Q: What do you call a pig with skin problems?

A: A warthog

If you can read this,


Than I can step on my brakes,


And I can sue you!

Your mommas so bald headed, she curls her hair with rice.

A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked Well what about your ostrich?

The man said oh, hell have a Pepsi



The woman said ok thatll be $7.81



The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.



The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??



The man replied Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted. The woman said Ok and the ostrich??



The man said I wished for a chick with long legs.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vera!
Vera who?
Vera all the flowers gone…!