Old and New Jokes

heard this on the radio yesterday:

WBGL … Broadcasting Gods Love in East-Central Illinois, West-Central Indiana … … and now, North-Central Uzbekistan!

Ms. Single Mother is drowning 100 feet from shore.

Mr. Republican comes by. He throws her a 50 foot rope, and says hes done his share, now she needs to do her part and meet him half way.

Mr. Democrat comes by. He thows her a 200 foot rope, then drops his end.

— Tony Compolo (heard on the radio)

We are a two-party system, so some day Labor will win. Our job is to hang on until they are sane. — Margaret Tatcher, 1987

After losing in 1992, Labor decided to try sanity, installing Blair as leader. — George Will.

An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. There are two things you need to make a
career in medical forensics. First, you must have no
fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same,
he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the
class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have
an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this
mans anus, but licked my index finger?

From the David Letterman Show:

WALDHIEMERS disease is what you have when you cant remember you were
a Nazi.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?

No, says Monica. Mustard.

Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Heres the proof:…

To Moses he said I am what I am.

If He were black, Hed have said I be what I be.

Estaba un señor reparando una llanta ponchada, frente a un manicomio; al momento de quitar los tornillos se le van los cuatro por una coladera. ¡Y ahora que voy a hacer!

Uno de los locos del manicomio se asoma por la cerca y le sugiere, Quita un tornillo de las otras tres llantas y los colocas en esa, y te irás con tres en cada una.

Oye, que excelente idea; y por que estás tu ahí adentro.

¡Estoy loco, no pendejo!

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.



On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.



Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.



The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyers unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind.



Sure enough, the two bears were still there. Hes in THAT one!, cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friends family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.



What did you do that for!, exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other one!



Exactly, replied the sheriff, Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!



1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

2. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

7. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I dont work here. Im a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

14. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

30. You!… Off my planet!

31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

34. Allow me to introduce my selves.

35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.

36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.

37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

38. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

41. Can I trade this job for whats behind door 1?

42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A guy finds a magic lamp and a genie comes out.

He says Ill give you three wishes but, your mother in law gets double of everything you get.



So first he wishes for 1 million dollars so his mother in law gets 2 million dollars. Then he wishes for 1,000 acers of beautiful land so his mother in law gets 2,000 acers of land. For my last wish I want you to beat me half to death. You know what happens.