Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

I once knew a blonde who sold her car for gas money.

Un mensajero toca la puerta de la casa de Bonifacio. El hijo de éste abre.

Buenos días. Busco al señor Bonifacio Pérez de parte de Cobros Atrasados, S.A..

Mi papá no está, dice el muchacho.

¿Y tu mamá?

Ella también está escondida.

Los recién casados se hospedan en un hotel de lujo de Cancún. El esposo es un empresario, dueño de talleres de reparación de llantas.

Llegando a la habitación del hotel, él se dirige al baño y llena la bañera. Sale a la habitación, desnuda a la esposa, la toma en brazos y se dirige con ella al baño, introduciéndola en la bañera, y al mismo tiempo le dice:

¡Si te salen burbujas de aire, te mato!

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.



Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the ministers room and yelled, father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me … and he took a step forward!



The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Wheres this man now?



The Choirboy replies…

flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

20. The cucumber has left the salad.


19. I can see the gun of Navarone.


18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.


17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.


16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.


15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.


14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…


11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.


10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!


9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.


8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!


7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!


5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…


3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?

Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the duke. I must find him.

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.

You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the duke worriedly.

No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

That is truly astonishing, says the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.