Old and New Jokes

Era un concurso internacional en el que participaban un alemán, un americano y un mexicano. El ganador sería el que lograra pasar sin armas un bosque con lobos, cruzar nadando un lago lleno de cocodrilos, entrar a una cueva y matar a un oso a cachetadas y al final hacer el amor con una mujer.

En primer lugar se lanza el alemán; entra en el bosque e inmediatamente los lobos se lo comen.

Sigue el turno del americano quien logra deshacerse de los lobos, pero al tratar de cruzar el lago es devorado por los cocodrilos.

Por último llega el turno del mexicano, quien logra pasar el bosque, llega al lago, pelea con los cocodrilos y sale con vida. Inmediatamente entra a la cueva del oso. Se escuchan ruidos extraños, rugidos, gritos y después de un rato sale el mexicano lleno de sangre y con sus ropas destrozadas y pregunta:

¿Dónde está la vieja esa que hay que matar a cachetadas?

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.

When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.



When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.



On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.



This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.



One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said I am awfully sorry about your brother.



The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said What happened to him? The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.



The brother then said No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.

The Differences:



HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c youre too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit cancel

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

12A Hit cancel

12B Call husband to get correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Did you hear about how the [ethnic] hockey team drowned?

Spring Training.

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and Ill show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!

A man pulls up to a gas station on a very hot day and the young attendant just happened to glance in the backseat, where he sees two penguins. He says, “Sir, it is so hot outside. Those two penguins belong at the zoo!”“Yes, you are right,” the man said. “Thank you.”The next day, the guy comes to buy more gas and the penguins are standing up on the back seat wearing sunglasses. The young guy says, “Man, you said that you were taking them to the zoo.”“Well, yes, I took them and they liked it so much that today we are going to the beach.”

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks, What is it?

His father replies, Oh, thats a twinkie son, if you find anymore bring them to me and Ill give you a quarter.

The next week the little boy returned to his mothers house with a lot of quarters.

His mother asks, Where did you get all those quarters?

The little boy answered, Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him, but what he doesnt know is, before I gave them to him, I sucked all the cream filling out.

1. The technician who signs out your camera cant stop laughing
2. Your cold makes your voice sound like Jerry Lewis
3. The friggin things warped
4. The second after your batteries stop charging, theyre completely dead
5. Your B-roll has poppy seeds [bah-dum]
6. Everyone you interview insists on speaking in pig-latin
7. Your editing room is titled Hell
8. The footage is 32 hours of feet
9. Title: Mailboxes, Big and Small
10. We had a video project due?!

[Im perfectly willing to explain anything you found confusing. I tried to stay away from techie terms, but I do write these lists for my *own* amusement… :)]