Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isnt doing it too fast.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – itll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!

9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing I love you, you love me at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! … you finally qualify as a parent.

Tres mujeres se mueren y llegan juntas a las puertas del Cielo y las recibe San Pedro:

A ver, ¿tú para que has usado tus genitales mientras estabas viva?

Pues… un 80% de las veces para el sexo, y un 20% para mear.

Pues pasa. ¿Y tú?

Pues un 50% para sexo y un 50% para mear.

Pasa. ¿Y tú?

(Orgullosamente) Un 20% para sexo y 80% para mear.

Pues mira, lo siento, pero no te puedo dejar pasar.

¿Qué? ¿Pero cómo es posible?

Hija, esto es el Paraíso, no un urinario.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, Hey, no screwing! They yell back, Were not screwing!

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, Hey, no screwing! Again they yell back, Were not screwing! Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, Hey, I said no screwing! They yell back, Were not screwing!

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. Hes not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like theyre screwing.

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – ?and how much money do you make a week??

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ?I make $200.00 a week. Why??

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – ?here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!?
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – ?does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here??

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – ?That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

Q: How does a UNIX expert do Sex?

A: unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

Havent I seen you before? = Nice ass.

Im a Romantic. = Im poor.

I need you. = My hand is tired.

I am different from all the other guys. = I am not circumcised.I want a commitment. = Im sick of masturbation. Youre the only girl Ive ever cared about. = You are the only girl who hasnt rejected me. I really want to get to know you better. = So I can tell my friends about it. Shes kinda cute. = I wouldnt kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.I dont know if I like her. = She wont sleep with me.I miss you so much. = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.Was it good for you? = Im insecure about my manhood.How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?Do you love me? = Ive done something stupid and you might find out. Do you really love me? = Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later. How much do you love me? = Ive done something really stupid and someones on their way to tell you by now. I have something to tell you. = Get tested.Ill give you a call. = Id rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.Ive been thinking a lot. = Youre not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. = Youre ugly.Ive learned a lot from you. = Next! Im on a long distance call, can you call me later? = I gotta turn on my answering machine.

Two blondes were stranded on an iceberg with only a telescope. One of the blondes was looking through the telescope and said, Were saved! Look, its the Titanic!

1. You get this round and the next round is on me.
Ill be leaving before the next round.

2. Ill get this round and the next one is on you.
Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $3.50.

3. Hey, where is that friend of yours?
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)
Im easy.

5. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)
Im gay.

6. Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?

8. I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)
Im horny.

10. Whos got the next round?
I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.