Old and New Jokes

On the first day of creation, God created the cat…. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat…. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat…. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it…. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke…. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate youre going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

Never say no.

K.O. — Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation

DANNY K — Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians

K SERA SERA — Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism

K MART — Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided


to discount their normal fees and make money through volume.

YUD K, VOV K — Under Divine Supervision

IM OKAY, YOURE OKAY — Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring… it was so wonderful.

James said Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous Your day was so much better than mine… did you get a blow job?

Nope James replied, I couldnt find her head!

This is a joke from my pastor about the using the Scriptures out of context…

A man was looking into the Bible for some guidance. Not knowing where to look, he simply opened the Bible randomly and point his finger at a passage. Wherever his finger lands, he will take as advice.

Heres the first: Judas went out and hanged himself. Not knowing what to make out of that, he tried again.

This time it is: Go and do likewise. Completely baffled, he tried a third time.

Whatever you are to do, do so quickly.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.
Its pretty nice, she replies. Except they wont let me fart.

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

The Italian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have wine.

The Frenchman says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.

The Russian says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.

The German says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have beer.

The Mexican says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.

The Jew says, Im tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.