Old and New Jokes

If you want to know why they are called the opposite sex, express an opinion!

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes Officer..thats her. Thats the lady I stole the purse from.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; its a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man.
Thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you completely!

This must be a sign from God! the woman continued, and look at this,
heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, Arent you having any?

The woman replies, No. I think Ill just wait for the police…

Había una vez un chinito que todos los días tenía que enfrentar un grave problema: cuando iba a su trabajo, debía pasar frente a una casona con un gran jardín y muchos perros, los cuales al ver pasar al chinito salían a la calle y comenzaban a perseguirlo enfurecidos.

El chinito había intentado en repetidas ocasiones plantearle la queja al amo de los perros, un comerciante muy conocido de la zona, de nombre Jorge Curro, no siendo atendido jamás. Por último y desesperado por la situación, tomó una espada de gran tamaño, de ésas que usaban los guerreros chinos, y salió decidido a darle su merecido a los perros de Curro.

Cuando los perros salieron a molestarlo, el chinito desenvainó su espada con un grito de guerra; pero Curro, el amo de los animales, que estaba en la casa, llamó a sus canes con un silbido: chuit… chuit… Y los perros se metieron a la casa.

Al no ver otra alternativa, el chinito se dirigió a la comisaría a plantear su queja:

Señol comisalio, vengo a hacel una denuncia.

Sí, adelante dígame…

Vengo polque los pelos del culo me molestan…

¿Y por qué no se los corta?

Polque cuano, chinito quelel coltal pelos, el culo hache: chuit, chuit… y los pelos che van pa adentlo.

En un estadio se está celebrando la final del concurso mundial de progenitores. El graderío está abarrotado con más de 100 mil personas. El árbitro presenta a los finalistas:

El primer finalista es: Mariano, con mil hijos en toda su vida.

Y todo el público aplaude y le anima:

¡Bien, bien! ¡Bravo!

Continúa:

El segundo finalista es: Patricio, con dos mil hijos en toda su vida.

El público:

¡Bravo, bravo! ¡Viva!

Y el último finalista es: Juan…

Y la multitud grita:

¡Papi, papi!

Q: What do members of a good basketball team have in common with a roomful of men and a blonde?



A: Everybody scores!

Read each line ALOUD:



This is this cat



This is is cat



This is how cat



This is to cat



This is keep cat



This is a cat



This is dumbass cat



This is busy cat



This is for cat



This is about cat



This is forty cat



This is seconds cat





Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.