Old and New Jokes

Llega un tipo al consultorio médico:

Doctor, doctor, vengo a que me examine el tobillo porque tengo un desgarre y me duele mucho.

Muy bien, quítese la ropa.

A mí me duele el tobillo, ¿por qué tengo que desvestirme?

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Usted, doctor, le contesta quitándose la ropa.

Ahora, quítese los calzoncillos.

Pero, doctor.

¿Quién es el médico, usted o yo?

Quitándose los calzoncillos:

Usted, doctor.

El galeno le pide al paciente:

Ahora, inclínese.

El enfermo se inclina y el facultativo le mete tremenda pija; el paciente pega tremendo grito y el profesional lo reprende:

Eso que acaba de sentir es un desgarre. Lo que usted tiene en el tobillo es un esguince.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

A: Dam

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

The effects are fleeting and lingering… – Overheard in a hallway

In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. – Announcer on KZOK radio

He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and thats a mouthful! – CBS baseball announcer

An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. – Irish Politician on RTE radio

This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. – BBC world service.

We have two incredibly credible witnesses here. – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

Hes going to step down til hes back on his feet. – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggarts latest sex scandal

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ping Pong!
Ping Pong who?
Ping Pong the witch is dead….!

Larkinsons Law: All laws are basically false.

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?

They both heard a giant sucking sound!

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??

An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.

It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws
to a close, in a small synagogue in Vilna, the rabbi is praying
fervently. Oh, God, he says, I am nothing before you! The cantor
also says, Oh, God, I am nothing before you! Then the shammes,(*)
inspired by their piety, cries out, Oh, God, I am nothing before
you! The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says,
Nu, look who thinks hes nothing!

(*)shammes: beadle, responsible for maintaining the synagogue, ushering, etc.
[Ed: Attributed to Arthur Naiman]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.
It opens at noon, answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker.

What time does the bar open? he asks.

Same time as before… Noon, replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?

The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can
have room service send something up to you.

Arre! No… I dont want to git in… Ah want to git OUT!!!

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: A child who doesnt eat right doesnt get toys!!!