Old and New Jokes

Typical macho man marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:



Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you!



I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?



His new bride matter of factly says, No, thats fine with me.

Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre HOME or not!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce. The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you. Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want? The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here. She asks, Whats that? The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, Ive got the airbag!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael, look what Ive made. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put Life on it. Im going to call
it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance?, inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot.

Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different Ê
continents.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, Whats that?

Ah, said God. Thats Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots Im sending them from
the North every winter!

– It felt crummy.

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florists daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know? “Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the boxs corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “A puppy!”

Two. You took TWO

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.