Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in".

Había cierta vez un tipo llamado Bernardo Bermúdez. En el día de su aniversario de casados, su esposa (que tenía la costumbre de poner en cualquier obsequio que le daba las iniciales del marido) pensaba qué regalarle.

Se le ocurrió entonces tatuarse una B en cada nalga, cosa que hizo inmediatamente. Al llegar el tipo del trabajo, ella le dice:

Déjame enseñarte tu regalo.

La mujer se desviste y se empina, para que el marido pueda verla en todo su esplendor.

Acto seguido su marido pregunta: ¿Quien es BOB?

A blonde tried to sell her old car. But she was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.



That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.



Okay, said the brunette. Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.



The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.



About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, Did you sell your car?



No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!

Emersons Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halleys Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halleys Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halleys Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halleys comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.

Why dosent Mexico have an olimpic team?

Because anyone there who can jump, swim, or run would have already snuck into the United States.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Q. What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?

A. If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.