Old and New Jokes

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

Renounce Satan! yelled Father Sullivan.



No!, said the dying man.



I say, renounce the devil and his works!

No way!, the man repeats.



And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? asks Father Murphy.



Because, said the dying man…

I want to wait until I see where Im heading before I start pissing anyone off!

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasnt happy about that: When are you going to learn to be polite?

Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?

Tom: The smaller piece, of course.

Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.

It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

(Q.)What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

(A.)They both can smell it but cant taste it.

Did you hear the one about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!The programmer simply smiled and said,
Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Random Thoughts:

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….

Cop : Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?

Blonde : Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.

Cop : Oh miss, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Blonde : Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : Excuse me miss, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something awful.

Blonde : Oh… We just got off of highway 119.