Old and New Jokes

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy…

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You dont get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5

Social Engagements

Party

You stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking mate-2
Named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a dancer-6
Tiffany has implants-80

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-2
And its all-you-can-eat night-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team-10

A Night Out With the Boys

Go with a pal-5
The pal is happily married-4
Or frighteningly single-7
And he drives a Porsche-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15

A Night Out

You take her to a movie+2
You take her to a movie she likes+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like-2
Its called DeathCop 3-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans-15

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, It doesnt matter, you have one, too.-80000

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?-1
(Yes, you lose points no matter what.)
You hesitate in responding-10
You reply, Where?-35
Any other response-20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep-2000

2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day.

One said to the other, Youre good today, how am I?

A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of Londons finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.

Charles she bellowed.

What on EARTH have you been doing?

Thinking on his feet, he replied Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evenings excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.

Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that hed need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.

Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?

she asked.

Well he replied.

He hasnt appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but Ill give him three months in prison for sure.

Frankly Charles, I think youd better give him six months — hes shit in your trousers as well!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

Goddammit, said the man, get your damn thumb out of my food!

Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.

Why dont you just shove it up your ass?

the man said angrily.

Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen.

Q. Why do blondes where pig tails?

A. handle bars

Llega un tipo a visitar a su compadre y lo encuentra todo jodido.

¿Compadre qué tienes? ¿Qué te pasa?, interroga el amigo.

Es que me queda sólo un mes de vida, compadre, responde aquel.

¿Pero cómo? ¿Qué tienes?, vuele a cuestionar el amigo.

El doctor me dijo que tengo SIDA, compadre. Me queda tan sólo un mes de vida.

¡No lo puedo creer!, responde asombrado el amigo.

Después de darle ánimos, el amigo se retira. La esposa que escuchó toda la conversación le reclama al marido: oye oye, es verdad que te queda un mes de vida, pero no es por el SIDA, es por el cáncer que tienes.

Sí mi vida, efectivamente es cáncer. En un mes yo me muero, pero después de lo que le dije al compadre, ¡a ti ya nadie te va a querer coger!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:





You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to



accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not



give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an



infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others



smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how



good it is.



If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.



Set the oven using these keystrokes:



mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat



Then enter:



ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.



If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press



start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.



If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the



ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of



the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The



oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to



your specification.



Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your



oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the



dinner from the oven and enter:



ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap



This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave



and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your



oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.



Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger



than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of



which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too



large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.



Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the



chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,



call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want



another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.



Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of



their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger



family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must



be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.



Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,



that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get



thrilled in advance.



Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the



freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,



not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.