Old and New Jokes

Q: Why couldnt the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: She didnt know what ONE came first…

A couple are out golfing when the husband hits his ball over a grove of trees and they hear the sound of breaking glass.

They hurry around the trees and see a man standing beside a broken bottle. He explains he is a genie, he was being held prisoner in the bottle, the golf ball broke it and freed him. He is very grateful and will grant them three wishes.

They both ask for a Cadillac and then decide a million dollars apiece would be ideal.

Your wishes are granted, the man says to the husband. Now that Ive granted you three wishes, I wonder if youd grant me one? Your wife is very attractive and Id love to have sex with her.

The couple talks it over and after getting two Cadillacs and a million bucks apiece, the husband says, OK, why not?

His wife and the man stroll into a nearby woods, have very enjoyable sex and then head back towards the fairway where the husband is waiting.

By the way, how old is your husband?

Hes forty two.

No kidding, and he still believes in genies?

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

All right. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a moment and said, Id better go check.

After a while, he returned to the office and said, –

A long time. Were gonna build a house…

Prisoner: Look here, doc! Youve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

You might be a redneck if…
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bologna!
Bologna who?
Bologna & cheese!

Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?

Get your face out for the boys…

An old woman saved a Fairys life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, Now arent you sorry you had me neutered?!!!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Dont say anything, just stare.