Old and New Jokes

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says, In what form?

and the little old lady says, Cash. Ive got it here in this bag…

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, Gambling.

Gambling?, he says.

What sort of gambling?

Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, Ive got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and Ill even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 youd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didnt get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldnt feel right taking it from you…theres no way you can win a bet like that! The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, I know what Im doing…and I can afford to lose, though Im not going to. Is it a bet?

Ok, have it your way, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning, said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank presidents office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. Hed gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?

said the president.

Hes my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

No, perfectly understandable, said the president.

Well, its now noon, and Im still unchanged, so I guess I win! he said happily.

Not so fast! said the little old lady.

For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position hed want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

Ok, you win, heres your $100,000, says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

Whats wrong with him?

asks the bank president.

Oh, hes just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.



He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!



So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.



Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.



So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. Lion, lion, cries the rabbit, Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.



The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.



No! the giraffe and the elephant cry. Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!



The lion replied, Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin forest when hes on speed!

There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that theyve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.



The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night. and the guy on the right said Me too and the guy in the middle said I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!

A taxidermist

is on vacation down south. He is feeling



a little thirsty and decides



to have a few drinks at the



nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern,



the conversation



stops and all eyes turn to him.





Feeling a little uneasy,



he makes his way to the bar to



order a beer. The bartender serves him



and says, Yall



aint from round these parts, is ya?





Guy: No…I



am from Connecticut.





Bartender: What is it you do up there in Connecticut?



Guy: Well, I am a taxidermist.





Bartender: A taxidermist…Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxi-



dermist?



Al: No, never heard of it.





Bartender: So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?



Guy: Well, I mount dead animals.





Bartender: Its OK boys–hes one of us!.

[For the occasional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online has been distributing 10 Hours Free disks like crazy. They come with magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]



Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun.



Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out of names before you run out of disks.



Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Dont stop until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.



Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time. Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets AOLs order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber data base.



Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.



Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.



Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they reach critical mass.



Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different IDs. Making effective use of mail forwarding and distribution lists, bring AOL to a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding the following message among the various accounts: Stop sending these f*****g disks.



Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire at age 43.



Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and to send the letter to five more people.

Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.

Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.

You look ridiculous, Nathan says. Whats gotten into you?

I just had my yearly check-up, Carla says. The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!

Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass? Nathan asks.

Funny, she says. Your name never came up.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

Whats a light bulb?

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So they went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preachers family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preachers pay situation.

As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.

Having children is an act of God! he said.

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God.

But if we get too much, we put on our rubbers.

What do you call a guy who hangs around?

Art!

How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

Whats the difference between boogers and spinach?

You cant get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?

Ive fallen and I cant giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesnt fart in public?

A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?

A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?

You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?

A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.