Old and New Jokes

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not? I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

——————— There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

I will give you each one wish; thats three wishes in total! The Newfie said, I am a fisherman, my dads a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish. Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in! Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, Tell me more about this wall. The genie said, Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.

So, the Vancouver guy said, Fill it up with water!

——————— Did You hear about the Redneck who… Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage. Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery. Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay. Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman. Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped. Lost his girlfriend because he couldnt remember where he laid her. Thought asphalt was rectal trouble. Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains. Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed. Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass. Smelled good only on the right side, he didnt know where to buy Left Guard. Studied for five days to take a urine test. Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease. Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

——————— Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.

2. He lived at home until he was

30.

3. He swore his mother was a virgin.

4. And his Mother thought he was God.

——————— Q: Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness?

A: They dont like ANY Witnesses!

Wilfred had just learned his abcs and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began."ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.""Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Wheres the P?"Its running down my leg."

Q) What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you ?

A) Take the pin out and throw it back at him.

Q) What if he removes the pin from the grenade.

A) Run before he throws the pin at you.

Q) How do you burn an Irishmans face?

A) Ring him up while he is ironing his clothes? (Hello!)

Brad, these jokes are in good humor, and should not be interpreted to
be in bad taste against the Irish.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.



They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.



Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.



But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well.

Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!



A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.



They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.



Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor … Unbuckle!

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, Id like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies, Make it

100.

Dating children.

Chemistry Wonderland

Gases explode, are you listenin
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if whats left is nitrate
My partner asks Do we measure it in moles or grams?
and Ill say, Does it matter in the end?

Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
Well face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

¡Lobo, qué orejas más coloradotas tienes!

Sí…

¡Lobo, qué cara más roja tienes!

Sí…

¡Lobo, qué hinchadas tienes las venas del cuello!

Sí…

¡Lobo, qué apretados tienes los dientes!

Caperucita, ¿me quieres dejar cagar en paz?