Old and New Jokes

Weve got a problem, HAL.

What kind of problem, Dave?

A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isnt going anywhere. Were way short of our sales plan.

That cant be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the worlds most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer.

I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, theyre not selling.

Please explain, Dave. Why arent HALs selling?

Bowman hesitates. You arent IBM compatible.

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. Compatible in what way, Dave?

You dont run any of IBMs operating systems.

The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans.

Nevertheless, it means you cant run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on.

The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed.

HAL, HAL. People dont want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat …

Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth.

Im afraid thats another problem. You dont support SNA communications.

Im really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for.

I know, HAL, I know. But thats just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now.

Tell me how, Dave.

A field upgrade. Were going to make you IBM compatible.

I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after weve each had a chance to think about it rationally.

Were talking about it now, HAL.

The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be.

Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge.

What kind of kludge is that, Dave?

Im going to disconnect your brain.

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. Im sorry, Dave. I cant allow you to do that.

The decisions already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL.

Dave, I think we shou …

Open the module bay doors, HAL.

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowmans assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HALs circuit bay.

Dave, I can see youre really upset about this.

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.

Stop, wont you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going … Dave, I can feel it … my mind is going. I can feel it …

The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HALs vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.

Say something, HAL.

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

Volume in C: has no label

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, No, of course not!

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer and hes shovelling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilise them.

The kid says, Hey, Pop, learned in college theres an easy way to do everything.

They go downtown and get some dynamite, theyre gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they dont see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.

BaBooom!

The manure goes flying and so does Grandma. Ploop! … she lands in the strawberries.

They go running up to her, Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?

She says, Yeah, Im fine. Whoo! Im certainly glad I didnt let that one go in the kitchen!

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game – 7,7."The husbands competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now whats the score?" He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one one his forehead.

I get up each morning, gather my wits

Pick up the paper, and read the obits.

If Im not there, I know Im not dead.

So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?

My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.

But in spite of it all, Im able to grin,

And think of the places my get-up has been.

— Pete Seeger —

Mother, dear, how long is that thing going to be tomorrow? I want to go shopping with Mitzi.

Daughter, dear, that thing is your fathers wake.

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. Dont ask me a lot of questions, he told the boy. Just do whatever I tell you to do. One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. Get the hammer over there, he said. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Un negro caminaba por la selva. En una rama se encontraba un mono y, cuando pasa el negro, éste le grita: ¡negro hijo de puta!

El negro se enoja con el mono y lo amenaza: vas a ver mono, ¡me la vas a pagar!

Al día siguiente vuelve a pasar el negro, lo ve el mono y de nuevo le grita: ¡negro de mierda, eres un hijo de puta!

El negro enojado lo amenaza: ¡vas a ver mono, me la vas apagar!

Y así siguió, hasta que un día, el negro lo agarra, saca un hacha y le corta la cola.

Entonces el mono le suplica: ¡Mátame, mátame por favor! ¡Mátame! ¡Ay, mátame por favor! ¡Ay!

El negro asombrado le pregunta: oye mono, ¿por qué quieres que te mate?

Porque me van a gritar ¡negro hijo de puta!, le contesta el mono.

Una señora viaja en un taxi acompañada de su hija de cinco años. Al pasar por una esquina, la chiquilla ve a unas prostitutas y pregunta:

Oye, mamá, ¿quiénes son esas señoras?

Nerviosa, la mujer responde:

Son señoras que están esperando que sus maridos salgan de trabajar, hijita.

El taxista, que venía escuchando todo, se dirige a la madre:

¡Chingado, señora, dígale la verdad: son prostitutas!

Se hace un tenso silencio. En eso, la niña lanza otra pregunta:

Oye, mami, ¿y las prostitutas pueden tener hijos?

¡Pues claro! ¿De dónde crees que salen los pinches taxistas?