As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off

booksand supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.



The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.



Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, Do you think its wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?



The Custodian looked at him gravely ….. We trust them with the children, dont we? he said.

1. You count the sprinkles on each kids cupcake to make sure theyre equal.
2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
5. Someone elses kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
7. Youve mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
8. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since its the only one your child eats.
11. You cant bear the thought of your sons first girlfriend.
12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
13. You find yourself cutting your husbands sandwiches into cute shapes.
14. You cant bear to give away baby clothes-its so final.
15. You hear your mothers voice coming out of your mouth when you say, NOT in your good clothes!
16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child wont get that disease.
18. You hire a sitter because you havent been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
19. You use your own saliva to clean your childs face.
20. You say at least once a day, Im not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldt trade it for anything!!!

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed of her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, Is that for sale?

Of course not! she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchagrined, he replied quietly, Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.

[Ed. note: Ive seen this before and would love to know who the author is.
Please email me at funny-request@clarinet.com so we can properly credit
you.]

My company offers a class called Interpersonal Relationships; the
following is a spot-on sendup of the class and its objectives.

notes from
MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.

THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE

The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).

Figure 1. Self-Control Scale

Self-Control
+—————————————+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading The Family Circus
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.

THE EVANGELISM SCALE

The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).

Figure 2. Evangelism Scale

Evangelism
+—————————————+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggart
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.

WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?

Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, your mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.

THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS

Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.

Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants

low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +————————–+————————–+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
– | | |
C +————————–+————————–+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+————————–+————————–+
high
(20)

Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: Its OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; its OK to by Psychotic; its OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).

By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!

The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Authors Quadrant!)

Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand

The Spineless Wimps Quadrant

Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle

The Megalomaniacs Quadrant

Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: Youre wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig

The Psychotics Quadrant

Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field

THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE

In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).

Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale

+————–+————–+—————–+—————-+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.

Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!

SUMMARY

You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: Its much easier to work
with people once youve stereotyped them.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

Eh, Laddy, look out to sea… Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the

Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: But ya fuck one goat……

Really Stupid People

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

Una señora que quiere suicidarse llama por teléfono a su médico para preguntarle dónde se encuentra el corazón. El galeno le explica que el corazón se ubica dos dedos debajo de la teta izquierda.

Una hora más tarde, la ambulancia recoge a la dama en su casa con un balazo en la rodilla.

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE



One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

Andrew, age 6



No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

Mae, age 9



I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

Manuel, age 8



ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE



Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

John, age 9



If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.

Glenn, age 7



ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE



If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.

Anita C., age 8



It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

Brian, age 7



Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.

Christine, age 9



REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE



Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

Greg, age 8



HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?



Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs dont wag their tails nearly as much.

Arnold, age 10



All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.

Sherm, age 8



CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS



They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.

Gavin, age 8



They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.

John, age 9



CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE



Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs is on television.

Jill, age 6



Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.

Floyd, age 9



Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

Dave, age 8



Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough.

Regina, age 10



THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER



Sensitivity dont hurt.

Robbie, age 8



One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

Ava, age 8



SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU



Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

Del, age 6



Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and dont worry if their parents are right there.

Manuel, age 8



Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

Alonzo, age 9



One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

Bart, age 9



HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?



Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.

Bobby, age 9



Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.

Bart, age 9



Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

Sarah, age 9



See if the man has lipstick on his face.

Sandra, age 7



Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are… on fire.

Christine, age 9



TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED



How Do I Love Thee When Youre Always Picking Your Nose?

Arnold, age 10



You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.

Larry, age 8



I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!

Eddie, age 6



I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Dont Bother Me When Im with My Friends.

Bob, age 9



Hey, Baby, I Dont like Girls but Im Willing to Forget You Are One!

Will, age 7



WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU





The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.

Michelle, age 9



Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.

Dick, age 7



HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?



I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didnt always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.

Gina, age 8



HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS



You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.

Julia, age 7



You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.

Brian, age 7



It might help to watch soap operas all day.

Carin, age 9



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?



When theyre rich.

Pam, age 7



Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you … Thats why I stopped doing it.

Tammy, age 10



If its your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if its a new person, you have to ask permission.

Roger, age 6



HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE



Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

Dick, age 7



Dont forget your wifes name … That will mess up the love.

Erin, age 8



Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.

Dave, age 8



Dont say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isnt like picking what movie you want to watch.

Natalie, age 8

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.