When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. Good heavens, he said, what is this?

Why, its bean soup, she replied.

I dont care what it has been, he sputtered. What is it now?

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.

Un borrachín estaba en una cantina bebiendo de una botella. Y cada vez que echaba un trago, miraba por el pico de la botella y se carcajeaba. Curioso, el cantinero se le queda viendo y le pregunta:

¿Por qué cada vez que mira por el pico de la botella casi se caga de la risa?

Con voz pastosa, el beodo responde:

Cuando miro por la botella puedo verle las nalgas al diablo.

Entonces el cantinero agarra la botella y observa a través del pico.

¡Aquí nomás veo pura verga!

¡Entonces ya se volteó!

To Fry a Peter



Q: What do you use to fry a peter?



A:A Peter Pan.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss Ferrari

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If youve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy whos running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddys fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddys birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whos playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when youre sunning on a tropical beach….and its delivered by a topless supermodel…and its free.

Unless youre in prison, never fight naked.

Friends dont let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a mans zipper is down, thats his problem—you didnt see nothin.

Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if shes withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

One day, Bill Clinton, Rush Limbaugh and Al Gore decided to walk to the Wizard of Ozs castle in Emerald City. When they got there, the Wizard asked them what they wanted the most. Limbaugh asked for a heart, Gore asked for a brain, and Clinton asked for Dorothy.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, Theyre all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion.

Well said the man, Shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice … but pigeon-toed.

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell … cross-eyed.

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, shes perfect, just perfect! Shes the one I want to marry!

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

Well, explained the farmer, she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell … pregnant when you met her.

You might be a redneck if…
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

It was the only time that 12 adults could get Michael off.