Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats cheaper Deernuts or Peanuts?

A: Deernuts cause theyre under a buck.

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It says, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.” So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which reads, “Now there are two.”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend
15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for
the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he
wants. The Italian says, Id like to take a woman with me.
The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and
heads off to solitary. The Jew says, Id like to take a
telephone with me. The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with
his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and
furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then
announces, Id like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with
me. The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italians cell, and out comes the
Italian with his wife and 15 children: It wasnt so bad….
The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire,
having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then
comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, Anybody got a
match?

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouses mate is found in a compromising position.

See, I have a problem with that passion business, responded one jury candidate. During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.

She wasnt selected for the jury.

A womans husband comes home hammered every night
and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.
When her husband staggers in that night, shes waiting
for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an
armchair and gives him a backrub.
Its getting late, big boy, she says after a few
minutes. Why dont we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. Im going
to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

there were 3 guys that went sky diving. one dropped a pebbleand jumped.the second dropped a rock. and the third dropped a grenade. when the first guy landed he was a little kid crying so he asked hey kid why are you crying and the kid replied I just got nailed by some moron that threw a pebble at me. when the second guy landed he saw a man with a big bump on his head so he asked how did you get that big bump on your head? and the man replied some moron threw a rock at me. when the third guy landed he saw this little kid laughing so hard his face turned red. so he aske hey kid whats so funny? and the little kid repliesmy daddy farted and the house blew up.

The doctor told me Physical exercise is good for you.
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape,
so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:

Beat around the bush.

Jump to conclusions.

Climb the walls.

Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:

Drag my heels.

Push my luck.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:

Bend over backwards.

Jump on the band wagon.

Balance the books.

Run around in circles.

Thursday:

Toot my own horn.

Climb the ladder of success.

Pull out the stops.

Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth.

Start the ball rolling.

Go over the edge.

Saturday:

Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout!

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we understand about drinking already, but youve never talked about to us about sex." Getting very upset, W. chided the twins: "Young ladies, we do not use that dirty four-letter word in our home!"

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of youMen are like Bananas.
The older they Get, the less firm they are.Men are like Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.Men are like Bank Machines
Once they withdraw they lose interest.Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up
all night long.Men are like Commercials.
You cant believe a word they say.Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.